Just Juls

Awkward Much?

2012-01-09T07:03:00.001-06:00

One of the things I dislike the most about going to church is this contradiction it seems to make in telling folks to be independent thinkers in a culture that opposes God - and yet tells you what to say, who to say it to, when to say it and how loud to say it. We've all suffered through uncomfortable moments with total strangers when your heart drops and the pastor says "Turn to your neighbor....." or the sweat saturated palms you have to clasp with someone whose name you may not even know. Yesterday I had to tell a lady behind me during communion, which I believe should be sacred and introspective "Jesus died for you that you might live for Him". Awkward much?
Don't get me wrong. I know lots of pastors, teachers, preachers and speakers that I respect highly who do the whole "repeat after me" thing in an attempt to get their congregation engaged. Some of my favorite speakers do it - Beth Moore, T.D. Jakes, and the list goes on. Then there is the reaction if the response isn't vehement enough - committed enough - bold enough. I've been admonished in church repeatedly with "Come on people, you can do BETTER than that!" Maybe I can't. Maybe I'm not there yet. Maybe it takes my learning style just a bit longer to process what was just presented. Maybe I was taking notes - writing down what was said in an attempt to engage myself. I am wondering why we are so afraid to let people learn and grow in their faith at their own pace or worship in a way that is individual to them? Can I not sing equally as passionately if I am sitting as opposed to standing? I spent years wondering if this was a pride thing for me - an attitude of "don't tell me what to do". I've come to the conclusion that it is more of an aversion to cult-like behavior. Don't confuse what I am saying. I have no intention of criticizing godly men and women who are doing their best to motivate people to live their lives sold out to Jesus. I just have an aversion to this specific element of corporate worship.
I love being with other people that love Jesus. I love listening to intelligent speakers that inspire and motivate me. I don't love feeling like I must obey the ritual or say the words I'm told to say or speak to a stranger without a proper opportunity to introduce myself. I hate the cult-like mantras of repetitive music and speech that go on and on. Nowhere else in society do people who don't know one another clasp hands. The whole thing is a false sense of familiarity and relationship that does not exist.
I would like to know how to participate in Christian community and avoid these things. Any suggestions?

Take That Worthlessness!

2011-08-29T05:07:00.000-05:00

This was my Facebook status this morning - and it has made such an impact on me that I wanted to preserve it here: You are valuable. Yes YOU. Not because of your net worth or your earning potential - but because once upon a time, a decision was made by a Creator who holds the breath of life to infuse life into cells. The exact perfect circumstances had to exist to bring this about and He allowed every single variable to line up. None of us are a mistake. Nobody is an accident. Our entrance into this world did not take Him by surprise - and we each were very much wanted because He decided this world would not be the same without us. From those conceived in royalty to babies born into the arms of teenage parents - and everything in between - to Him there is no distinction. As someone who struggles with intense worthlessness, I woke up this morning to this affirmation that I can only imagine was from Him - that I was wanted and loved and HIS. How much different life would be if we all lived as if this were true - not only of ourselves but of every single other person that we encounter in our days. We are so loved. Take that worthlessness!

A Fist Full of Ashes

2011-08-27T07:29:00.002-05:00

Healing is a process. I keep telling myself this - like a mantra that is followed with this positive affirmation "it is okay to be in process". Nobody likes to be in process - preferring much more to have arrived at the destination of a whole mind and non-fractured spirit, at least insofar as healing is concerned.

A friend shared this scripture from Isaiah 61 with me at last night's group meeting - and though I'd heard it a million times before, this piece was illuminated to me:

".....to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair....."

How easily my spirit despairs. I looked the word up in my concordance and it means to [smolder].

smol·der /ˈsmōldər/ verb: burn slowly with smoke but no flame

The despair is a slow burn - and unchecked it will eat.me.alive. The smallest thing can trigger deep feelings of worthlessness, the tiniest injury can unearth catastrophic old wounds. It takes constant effort to remember that I am no longer trapped in an abusive marriage or childhood. It takes intentional choices not to react with the same defensive behaviors - which can range anywhere from lashing out in fear to scurrying into the shadows like a skiddish animal. It is taking time and conscious effort to trust myself, others and God.

This phrase

beauty for ashes, beauty for ashes, beauty for ashes

keeps rolling through my mind. Some of the despair has been necessary - to allow this old life to burn away. These ashes are all that is left of my old life - and yet I often hold them in fists clenched tight. The crown of beauty may be preferable to most - but to reach out for it means to let some of these ashes spill out of my hands.

The Mother Wound

2011-06-28T07:42:00.000-05:00

I cannot remember where I first heard the term "mother wound", but I knew instantly on the hearing that I had one as deep as the Grand Canyon and as wide as the Nile River is long. It is the thing that has most significantly shaped me as a person, for better or worse. A brief definition:

We all come into the world needing the tender presence of a mother's touch, nurture, care and love. In fact the mother's influence begins when we are in the womb. The absence of this mother love is a wound that is created in three ways:

Mother separated from the child through illness of the mother, mother's death, divorce
Child separated from the mother through illness of the child, incubator/hospitalization, adoption
Unhappy relationship with mother through neglect, abuse, mother's mental or emotional distress, attempted abortion

I think most mothers leave positive and negative marks on their children. I know that in spite of my best intentions, I have done (or not done) things that my kids will have to overcome. The mother wound is more profound - and the healing is sure to take a lifetime. The confusion created when the same hands that are meant to nurture and provide, harm and withdraw is significant. One resource listed the consequences of the traumatic interruption of this attachment as an overwhelming sense of abandonment and dread of aloneness, emotional dependency and a loss of self and being. The list is longer but these are the three attributes that are most identifiable to my personal experience.
My mother was mentally ill for most of my life. She had extended stays in the psychiatric hospitals and long periods of time where she confined herself to her bed while my step-father and I provided 24/7 room service. Since I became an adult and was able to define some personal boundaries of acceptable behavior, our relationship has become more and more distant. There are years when we don't speak at all. Somehow through the neglect and abuse the need for a mother remained, my spirit wooden like the body of a mannequin with non-posable arms reaching out for something just beyond its grasp.
It was this conditioning of neglect and abuse that first taught me I was worthless and led me to accept the mistreatment of a spouse who was supposed to love me for far too many years. I am working on being at a place where I harbor no resentment while stating the truth. I would rather spend my energy on the healing process that God is doing in my life than to dwell on the darkness of history with anger or malice. The darkness has swallowed far too many precious years already.
Our last rift was over my refusal to add my mother as a "friend" on Facebook. I explained that I would rather establish a real-life relationship with her than to have voyeuristic familiarity. She responded by not speaking to me for a year. In recent months, my mom and I have talked sporadically - text messages, emails here and there. When I dropped Gary off at the airport on Sunday morning, it triggered my fear of abandonment. I knew immediately it had nothing to do with him or the situation - but it was deeply connected to my mother wound. People think I'm brave. They think I'm strong. What nobody knows is that inside I'm still pining for a mother. I was bawling my eyes out as I left the airport, so I dialed her number. She never answered.

There is No Such Obligation

2011-06-21T07:25:00.001-05:00

I have been churning inside since a discussion yesterday in which a friend attempted to correct what they perceived as immaturity on my part. In another online format, I took a dig at someone who had done something illegal that involved one of my children about a year ago. I feel no guilt or remorse over what I said despite their best efforts to show me the error of my ways. The comment did not distract from the conversation and only those who are aware of the situation understood the underlying implication. No harm, no foul.

What disturbs me more is this idea that no matter what wrong or evil someone has done, we are to smile and lovingly emit a grace we are not ready to give and forgiveness whether you feel it or not. Supposedly, this is the Christian way. More and more as I contrast the precepts of my faith with the experience of my humanity, I have decided that I am no longer able to "fake it till I make it". Grace and forgiveness are a process, and in this particular situation it has not yet been achieved. I made a statement about the wrong done and I have no regrets. This same grace must be extended to cover me.

The other thing I was called down on was the issue that one of our friends who is not a Christian might be thrown by my inability to show the love of God to someone who caused injury to my child. In this case I will have to defer to God to love them, because at present I cannot. While this is considered horribly un-Christian of me, let me propose that it is perhaps moreso than putting on a fake smile and pretending whatever someone does in any given situation is okay because I am under some mandate to pursue forgiveness. Interacting with people with the motive of evangelism is as disconcerting as the friend who is a Tupperware dealer inserting the current specials into every conversation. We are not Jesus - and we might stop being such a colossal disappointment to the non-believing world if we stop the facade that we might be.

I am under no obligation to live up to the expectation of others.

The Best Dad is Mine

2011-06-18T23:09:00.003-05:00

Every little girl's first love is her daddy. This was as true of me as the next girl. My dad was my hero. It was the 70s and he had shaggy blonde hair and wore polyester pants and shirts with wide collars. I thought he was more handsome than any other man that on earth. He drove a green Pinto and had an affinity for Krispy Kreme donuts and big bowls of chocolate ice cream. He was the coolest.

When my parents divorced in the late 70s, the greatest loss was the connection between a father and his little girl. My dad had begun a new life of which I was rarely a part. It was some serious collateral damage and a grieving that endured throughout my childhood and into adult life. My mom made it very difficult for me to spend any time with him, and so I didn't very much.

A couple of years ago when the pieces of my life all came crumbling down around me, my dad was there. He sent money to help me afford a rental truck and gas, but that wasn't what was most important. He answered his phone - over and over and over again -whether it was a phone call or a text message. He was there for me. I never needed him so much in all of my life and he came through. He told me I was doing the right thing, to be strong, that he loved me. It meant everything to have this validation and support. The picture posted here is of my dad hugging me after my wedding to Gary. Before the ceremony was even over - my dad was on his feet and up to hug and congratulate us. He has worried all of these years about me - and I know how happy it makes him to see me safe and loved and happy after all this time. It gives me a lot of joy to see him so happy too as I've watched him go through a lot of changes in his own life in recent years.

Happy Father's Day Dad. I love you more than words. You are the best dad in the world, because you are mine.

My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.
- Jim Valvano

The Healing Process

2011-06-16T01:13:00.009-05:00

Sometimes when you are healing, you can take one step forward and two steps back. Almost two weeks ago I got a Monroe piercing. Some people say that they are nurturing their inner child, but much of the time lately I feel like I am nurturing my inner rebellious teenager, as evidenced by this need to poke a hole in myself. The first few days after I got the piercing, I had a lot of difficulty getting used to it. The labret they put in at first is extra long to allow for swelling and I think mine would have accommodated Angelina Jolie and Mick Jagger's love child. Every time I tried to bite or chew food, not to mention talking, my teeth would pull it from the inside. It was no fun. Gary took me to Cherry Bomb tattoo and piercing parlor a couple of times to get the jewelry changed which helped quite a bit. Little by little it was feeling better, until a couple days ago when my teeth caught it and gave it a good pull that grabbed the front end and pulled it through my lip. OUCH!

I share this story of the piercing because it seems to be the way of healing. In this process there are stops and starts. We gain ground and start to feel a sense of wholeness and suddenly and often unexpectedly that same ground seems to drop from beneath our feet, leaving us reeling again. But healing must occur and we must expect that it does not do so in a linear fashion. If we choose to forego the healing process our only option is to remain battered and bitter. It seems not a choice at all to me. Healing is not easy, and it requires that we deal with our scars, but wholeness is always the goal. I read something beautiful recently from Little Bee by Chris Cleave about scars:

"I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means, I survived."

I survived. When the bad memories come, the pain creeps to the surface and demands acknowledgment, I remind myself that I survived. These things did not kill me then, and they will not kill me now. Like my piercing, the pain will serve it's purpose. In time, healing will come and with it a beautiful scar as a reminder that I survived.

Happy Divorce-iversary to Me!

2011-06-14T16:04:00.007-05:00

I'm going to throw caution to the wind and post this celebratory declaration of the one year anniversary of my divorce. This anniversary celebrates a passage of time in which I have not had to suffer verbal, emotional or physical abuse. My children now live in a house where they go to bed every night certain that they won't wake up to violence, rage or outbursts. In the last year nobody has told me that I was fat, clumsy, stupid or a b*tch. In our home, nothing has been thrown, broken, mutilated, or destroyed in a fit of anger. I have not had to duck, hide or passively apologize to neutralize a toxic situation. Nobody has disabled my car to keep me from leaving or made empty promises to manipulate me into staying. Perhaps divorce breaks God's heart, but I can't help but think that this metamorphosis of our family gives Him anything but joy.

A divorce marks the disentanglement of two legally joined parties, but if I'm honest, my heart was disentangled long ago. My life followed slowly, and what a life it is!

Taking Off the Mask

2011-06-13T04:55:00.007-05:00

I woke super early this morning with about a hundred ideas of what to blog about and the desire to write them all at once. Finally some reprieve from blogger's block that had me stuck for the last couple of years, staring terrifyingly at the little white box with the hope that eventually words would come and I could click the little orange button and "publish post". Once in a great while I was able to eek out a few words, but nothing like the hum that used to go on in my head with a steady stream of things to blog about. Now I know that this hum was silenced when it was for the best. Though people often slow as they pass the scene of an accident, nobody really appreciates the eye full of mangled metal as much when there is a person among the wreckage. I was that person. The wreckage was my life. The EMTs and tow trucks and insurance companies needed to work unhindered behind the scenes to provide emergency medical care, clear the debris and assess the losses.

I have shared on this blog some of my deepest fears, most vulnerable weaknesses, embarrassing antics and personal anguish with no regrets. As Gary and I were laying in bed last night in those precious moments before sleep, he asked me if I ever worried about unguarded way that I share and put myself out there in the blogosphere. I ruminated on that a while before dozing off and woke this morning to the comment on the last post from "Anonymous" who said "it's raw and it's real......... and it's beautiful". This comment validated my personal principle for writing - to fling my heart wide open and share with little hesitation. I do work hard to create a balance of maintaining privacy and dignity for those who are crazy enough to walk through life beside me, while maintaining authenticity. I could write exclusively about the best parts of my life in the hopes that everyone would want to be me in this fabricated life I'd conjure for public consumption, and be the author of a blog nobody would want to read, including me. It is my resolve to be as real as I can and in so doing, help other people with similar struggles to know they are not alone. This process of self-discovery that I'm in the midst of can only flourish if I am validating others - and we can do that only if we are each willing to take off our respective masks.

(A note to Anonymous - I feel like I should know who you are - but sadly once I started sharing my story - so many women who were surviving various levels of abusive relationships were contacting me. I still get emails and blog comments and Facebook messages asking for help for a friend or some advice on how to get through the worst of it. If you don't want to identify yourself here - please send me a message on Facebook or an email at julsnwv AT gmail DOT com. I'd like to know who you are so I can follow your story.)

Non-Static People

2011-06-12T20:42:00.002-05:00

Lately I have been going through what could best be described as a mid-life crisis. I'm bored, I'm restless, I'm anxious and easily agitated. I go from laughing to crying and back again. Some days I wake UP in a funk that doesn't clear most of the day - which is not my usual "bubbly" (as my hubs calls it) demeanor. I'm impatient (at least in my head) with people over things that should not be so irksome, including myself. I'm unreasonable and irrational and I wonder how it is possible that anyone could find me lovable in such a state, especially my husband who has been married to me for just nine short months. If he doesn't occasionally wonder what on earth he has gotten himself into, I think he should be awarded some sort of sainthood.

We were having a discussion about this fledgling personality disorder that I am developing earlier today. He knows that I am, as cliché as it sounds, trying to "find myself" and has been my biggest cheerleader. Abusive relationships diminish a person's true self, and I am still very much in the healing process. Often the progression of self-discovery is hindered by self-loathing and you literally have to learn to examine who you are and evaluate that this person in the mirror is good, valued, lovable. In a lot of ways, Gary has gotten to know me better than I know myself. His honesty and willingness to hold my hand through this unfolding of my true self has made all the difference. In one of my emotional tantrums, I was asking him if he could still love me as I change and grow. "People aren't static" he said. "I'm going to love you no matter what."

People aren't static. They are dynamic and changing and organic and vibrant, and I am among them. Being loved securely, come what may is truly the greatest gift imaginable.

Judge Not

2011-02-28T07:51:00.003-06:00

I woke up this morning on the dawn of my 41st birthday with a headache. There is an impending storm, but the overcast day will do little to make me forget the sunshine of yesterday or the spring that is waking across the mountain. A hike yesterday afternoon with my family revealed that even in the depth of the woods, new shoots of green leaves are pushing through the surface to make their appearance known. So many symbolic references to be made between the newness of my life and the emerging new life of spring, but that was not the intent of this blog post.
Yesterday morning's sermon was about the judgments we pass on one another and how the church should be a place of acceptance, outstretched arms of love to those around us. The pastor said that instead of being the conduit of the love of God to a hurting world (my paraphrase), we judge and condemn them for doing what comes naturally. That struck such a chord in my heart. So often instead of being appalled by the sin and the consequences that follow, I am disgusted with people. I wonder in my own heart, "What is wrong with them??!" As a believer, I already know that they do what they do because they are slaves to their human nature. Even fellow believers still have the flesh to contend with, that wages war against every bit of what is inside of us that is good. I have been hurt as much inside the church as I was ever hurt from the outside. But I try to remember that I too have inflicted similar hurts on others, and keep this as a warning inside my own heart and mind to tread lightly and hold grace as a banner over others. (At least this is what I want to do, though often I do not do it.)
Recently in a newcomer's class at the church we have started going to, I faced the judgmental words of a woman that said, "I've never been divorced." This has been one of my biggest, most paralyzing fears that I would be summed up as a person and a Christian on the sole event known as the end of my marriage. Without having to bare your soul for the world, nobody knows how hard you tried to make it work or what you endured so that this would never be the final outcome. Even in marriages that put on a happy face, nobody knows if the person asserting, "I was never divorced" was the most miserable spouse in the world, in a marriage that lasted due to no credit of their own but because of the patience and long-suffering of another. The fear of this judgment over my divorce has held me back from the body of Christ. I have attended church over the last couple of years sporadically, but I have not invested in a body of believers or the people around me for fear that if they got to know my situation or me, that they would decide I was "less than". I think it is time to risk the judgment and the fear of rejection and embrace the fellowship of other believers. I have missed this for so long.
The sermon yesterday spoke this hope into my life, that I was free.

That's How We Always Did It

2011-01-23T20:45:00.002-06:00

So pretty much everyone has heard this story in different variations of the woman that cuts the end off of a ham/roast. She tells her husband who asks why she does this that it's what her mother always did. She calls the mother to find out and she says it was what her mother always did. When asked, Grandma says she cut the ends of the meat off because that was the only way it would fit in her roasting pan!

I heard this story years ago and it made me wonder what we do because "that's how we always did it" without questioning the whys. I am a "like to know why" person but even something like this has snuck in on me from time to time, where I do the thing someone shows me, unquestioningly.
Recently we have been exploring the delicious world of raw milk and the nutritional benefits of kefir and unpasteurized dairy. Raw milk is not only unpasteurized, but also non-homogenized. (Homogenization being that process that fuses the cream that rises to the top with the rest of the milk so it does not separate.) I've been drinking pasteurized, homogenized milk my whole life but for some reason, I grew up always giving the milk a few good hard shakes before drinking it. I never stopped to wonder why. My parents did it and I learned to do it and then passed this little milk-shaking tradition on to my kids. I can hardly bring myself to take a swallow from milk that doesn't have the little bubbles on top from being shaken, or out of a plastic cup...... but I digress. The other day when shaking the raw milk, intentionally to mix the cream in with the milk, I realized that this "milk shaking" must have been passed on in my family for several generations. Though we have been drinking milk that did not separate and thus had no purpose for shaking it for many years now, still we shake it, because that's how we always did it.
I'm looking at the world with new eyes. I'm questioning everything and asking why.

Oh Christmas Tree What a Year Can Bring

2011-01-09T08:36:00.002-06:00

The holidays were so busy and with activity and chaos that when it all settled we weren't in a hurry to take down the Christmas tree. It was only after the holidays that I found the opportunity to really sit and enjoy it. But come down it must. So yesterday Gary and I set out to accomplish this task, together.

This is new for me - this idea of doing things "together". I don't believe it has anything to do with being newlyweds, as some would say. This is a goal for the two of us who suffered our share of heartbreak, lived for years with spouses who were not committed to us and struggled on our own to change this cruel fact and are determined to make this marriage, this relationship everything it can be. It is such a joy in life to finally not be alone.
While Kullen is away at winter camp this weekend, the girls were here to give us a hand. I had gathered all of the Santas and stockings and nativity set pieces from around the house earlier in the day. I boxed away all of the Christmas cards we received for 2010 with the commitment to sit down next year when the decorations come out and read through them once again. When the four of us went about removing the ornaments and lights and trimmings from the tree, I couldn't help but think of all that might change in the year before we see these things again. So much has changed in the year since we visited them last and I am acutely aware of how much can change in the coming years as children grow into adults, parents and grandparents grow older, and time it seems stands still for no one. In this past year though painful like childbirth, the changes have all been for the better - more peace, more love, more joy. But I know that some years can be full of pain and struggle and loss. I have lived years such as that and though I have no desire to endure it again, it makes me stronger knowing I won't face it alone.
It was nice to see items that we took out independently from our separate stores to decorate the house for Christmas intermingled when we put them away. Gary packed the boxes away in the container in the garage until next year and I set about cleaning and rearranging the living room. With my birthday around the corner followed the arrival of spring, I will likely soon forget the depth of thought provoked by undecorating the Christmas tree, but then again there's always next year to remind me.

On posting a picture and wrapping the text: it has taken me nearly half an hour to remember how to do something I used to do in my sleep!

It's the Little Things

2011-01-03T19:11:00.000-06:00

Tonight I arrived home from work to a husband standing at the top of the stairs with my favorite Tequila Sunrise in hand. The house smelled of the Italian chicken and pasta he had made for dinner. On the table, a salad with a side of chopped mushrooms just for my bowl, since I am the only one who likes them. During the day, he ran to town to take the comforter from our bed to the laundromat. I have never been spoiled in my life. I have seldom even know what it was like to have someone that not only didn't need me to take care of them, but invested their time and energy into making me happy and making my day just a little easier. In the few months that he entered my life, Gary has shown me more love and companionship than I have ever known. I can still remember what it was like to be alone in the world, struggling. I hope I never forget so that I always appreciate this gift given so freely, daily of his love.

2011: Day Two

2011-01-02T21:43:00.001-06:00

This year is starting out much like all the rest. Busy-ness, chaos and activity. I have been off for most of the last two weeks, and I am looking forward to the routine and consistency of going back to work. This morning was church and then a trip to the airport to send Kaitlyn's sweetheart, Matthew on his way home after a visit from Texas. Soon he will graduate and come to college nearby so they can be together more often - but for now the ache of separation. Kullen also said goodbye to his friend Tessa. These first budding feelings are so fragile. I think that I woke this morning burdened for my children and their sadnesses. Fortunately, the busy-ness of the day did not allow me to carry them for long.
My goal in the next few days, weeks and months is to slow myself down. I need a few minutes each day not to be sucked away in the flurry of activity and the demands of others so that I can breathe a little. I want to write and paint and cook and do absolutely whatever I find to do without the tug and pull of obligation. The one solace in any day I have is this - the fifteen or twenty minutes every night before I fall asleep in the arms of my sweetheart. I share the days joys and burdens with this man who exerts that it is his pleasure to walk this road of life beside me. This makes all the difference.

A Little Bitter, Mostly Sweet

2011-01-01T21:57:00.003-06:00

That is the best way that I can describe 2010. The year has come to a close and a new one has begun. When I was younger, a new year was met with excitement. Much like the exhilaration of a new journal, so many blank pages and the joy and anticipation of time and what story they would write - a new year was a story waiting to be told. In recent years I had become more cynical and increasingly more hopeless. No eager anticipation - just an ever increasing sense of being stuck - stuck in pain, stuck in misery. Just stuck.

I am thankful for the resilience of spirit and the inner strength that could only be from God that brought me through. This past year has been one of the most difficult of my life. I had to resign to the fact that my marriage was over. I saw the words in black and white of my divorce decree. That in itself did not hurt as much as I would have anticipated. My marriage had been dead for a very long time. What hurt was the letting go and giving up on something that I had worked so hard on. I was the EMT refusing to quit CPR though all signs of life had ceased.

From the ashes came beauty. About six weeks after my divorce was final, in a time that I would have never anticipated, I met someone. Gary and I were married on September 26th. He is truly my best friend. There is so much to how we met and why we married so quickly and what our plans are for the future. I am sure this venture back into blogging will offer many opportunities to share some of that. My blog has been more therapeutic than I ever could've imagined. It was here I poured out much of my pain, sorted a lot of confused thinking and found much comfort, support and advice. On these blank pages of this blog, over the course of this year I want to share our story as we write it. This is a story of love, forgiveness and laughter. It is a chronicle of family and faith and much healing.

The Mother Wound I Give

2010-05-02T06:47:00.007-05:00

This morning - the overwhelming emotion is melancholy. A sense of sadness for what my kids are feeling. Kullen poured his heart out to me last night. He told me that though he didn't used to want his dad and I to get back together - he did now. He said he thought that his dad had changed and that the fighting would stop. It breaks.my.heart. It takes me back to my 9 year old self, standing in the driveway, begging my parents to fix what was broken, to love each other again, to validate me - the girl with a "real family" and not the girl whose life would always be marked by this horrible sadness.

All I know to do is hold Kullen tight. If he needs to be angry at me, to let that be okay.

He does not know the way the girls do how I pushed further, loved deeper, held on tighter. He doesn't see with any maturity how the neglect and abuse and loneliness choked my spirit, crushed me as a person, until I ceased to do more than surviving, limping around broken and bruised.

My heart aches for this beautiful child who daily is pushing towards manhood, but is still very much my little boy. Oh how I wish I could carry his pain, quiet the brewing storm and tenderly hold and protect him from this.

For so long I had this loop tape that played over and over again that "God hates divorce". How that one little phrase imprisoned me. It took a caring voice to tell me that God hated equally the things I was going through. I thought I would lose His love. I know now that He loves me - period, outside of my actions. He is the one day by day setting me free.

I can only hope that one day, my kids will all understand that I am holding out for a better way for all of us. I stayed as long as I did because I didn't want this hurt for them, but now see with more clarity that by staying I allowed them to be hurt in a different way. This is never what I wanted for any of us.

God help me minimize the damage and maximize the love.

Who is in Control?

2010-02-08T06:42:00.004-06:00

I have been reading a book called "Boundaries" over the last 9 months or so. You can tell I've just been plowing through it. A co-worker loaned it to me and it's been sitting on my nightstand. Once in a while when I need a little encouragement, I pick it up. Last night was one of those nights.

When this book first came out it was pretty popular in Christian community, and therefore gave me an aversion to ever wanting to read it. This is part wisdom, and yes I confess at least in part, pride.

I do have very messy boundaries. I tend to throw myself into a relationship - whether it be friendship, parenting, or my relationship with my spouse in a sort of all or nothing kind of way. I have loved extravagantly, lavishly, overwhelmingly emptying myself of every reserve to find that I didn't save enough of my energy or care for my own survival.

What I am about to share is not going to be pretty, but it is about one of the most truthful things I have ever said about myself. Once I hit empty, I often lash out at the people that I've given so much to - given what they didn't ask for or what they may have asked but should have gotten a "no" answer. It's my own fault. I create the dynamic for a lot of the chaos and problems in my relationships.

The thing I learned last night is how much of what I do and say that is "reactionary". I sometimes don't fully digest what another person is saying before I react. I know where this comes from - I grew up feeling as if every thought and feeling I had were not valid. I didn't feel like anyone ever listened to me. When someone did take the time to listen, they always reacted with explosive anger because they couldn't control my emotions or me. The Boundaries book stated clearly that the person that reacts gives away control - but the person that responds maintains control, not over the other person or the situation, but with options and choices for yourself. This was profound.

I have put a lot of blame outside of myself in my relationships. I'm not saying that these other people are perfect, we all obviously do a lot of things that trigger the worst in one another. But the only thing I can really work on is me. I'm starting today to pay attention, to slow down my responses and try to respond instead of react.

Now, I owe someone an apology for last night, which is a start.

Can I Be Authentic?

2010-02-07T07:59:00.006-06:00

I have always prided myself on being authentic. I share what I am feeling, and do so openly with others. One thing I found when I became a believer is that a lot of people seemed to candy-coat their troubles with smiles, a lot of "God is in control" jargon (not that He isn't in control but that it seemed a crutch versus a true belief as if they were convincing themselves in the saying so), or a sick and twisted martyrdom that seemed to relish the pain.

I had a friend admonish me for some of the dramatic things I was posting as my status updates on Facebook. I appreciated the feedback. It made me take a step back and look at how this was being conveyed. I was wearing my hurt on my sleeve for all of the world to see. This was very helpful. It made the me think about my audience, and what I want to share. This post is not meant in any way to be a rebuttal of what I learned from that person's words, but some things God has clarified in my heart.

In tossing this around, I started to think of people in the Bible and how they handled pain. I remembered these words of Job in his distress:

"Obliterate the day I was born. Blank out the night I was conceived! Let it be a black hole in space. May God above forget it ever happened. Erase it from the books! May the day of my birth be buried in deep darkness, shrouded by fog, swallowed by the night. And the night of my conception - the devil take it! Rip the date off the calendar, delete it from the alamanac. Oh, turn that night into pure nothingness - no sounds of pleasure from that night, ever! May those who are good at cursing curse that day."

How's that for drama? I know that my losses may not stack up to those that were suffered by Job, but they are losses nonetheless. I think that there is a time and a place for lamenting. It may not have been as public as Facebook is for Job or King David, but I don't believe it was done with their head buried in their pillow behind closed doors all the time either. This given the fact that we have their words of lament to read centuries later. This shared human hurt is a place where we all connect.

I have been lonely. I have been sick. I have been burned by love. I have given and been denied what I gave in return. I have lost my house, my kids, my job. I have been kicked when I was down. I have been put down, torn up, and shut out. We can all relate to these statements and somewhere along the way, this kind of sharing helps us to feel that we truly aren't alone. Another person can say, "I was where you are, and I survived to hold your hand while you go through it."

Too often I think we want a quick fix for everybody. I think that the suffering of other people often makes us uncomfortable. We want a drive-thru spiritual fix for these deep rooted issues, these lifelong hurts and there is no such thing. Sometimes we have to see people at their worst - I know that the people who have met me in the last year have seen me at the worst possible time of my life. It is what it is. As some healing starts to take place, things are shifting. I've been leaning on things that remind me so much of the snow I fell in yesterday - when I try to brace myself in the wrong places, I find I just sink deeper.

I really don't understand a culture that will spend so much money on watching the fictionalized drama of people on TV or in the movies, who are so unwilling to deal with the real life pain and problems of people right next to them. I don't know what God is doing with this wreck that I am. But I do know this, I have His permission to lament, to question His love for me, to doubt and fear. He isn't afraid of any of that. He can handle it. It has been through those moments that His love and care for me have become most real and absolutely tangible. Maybe I'll share it on Facebook - maybe I won't, but if I do - both sides of the story will appear over time - both the hurt and the doubt, followed at some point by the healing and the comfort. If others are uncomfortable then they can feel free to look away, with my blessings.

The Autumn of Motherhood

2009-11-09T20:33:00.003-06:00

Days seem to slip by gradually. Valuable time is given away to menial chores and mindless activity. I would love to enjoy days with my babies again - fingerpainting on the bathtub walls, thrilled at the prospect of baking cookies - the days when I was their world. They looked to me for answers, protection and provision. Once upon a time, I was their hero. That vanished in an instant. Wondering how this happened seems pointless. We can't go back. Time has moved us here and here it is that we exist, together. I try to look beyond the belligerent attitudes, hear past the sarcastic tongues, and rise above the patronizing ways they've already begun to treat me as if I'm an old lady. We'll manage. One day they too may have to watch their babies grow up and become people they hardly recognize and grieve for days past. I will still be there for them, and try to help them understand.

A Million Miles to See Donald Miller

2009-10-23T05:35:00.010-05:00

(Gross exaggeration - it was only about 70 miles - but try saying that title with your mouth full of peanut butter!)

Say what you want about Donald Miller, but people resonate with him. Kendra and I, along with our friend Faith trekked off to Baltimore to hear him speak the other night. I went straight after work and didn't get home till almost midnight - but it was well worth the trip. He has been touring around the country promoting his new book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, and talking to people about this newfound passion - The Mentoring Project. He is also serving on President Obama's Task Force on Fatherhood and Healthy Families, where I know he will make a tremendous difference. (Here's his tour schedule.)

The gathering the other night was in this beautifully subdued Presbyterian church. I typically don't attend church buildings of that stature - but found I was taken in with this simple elegance. The surroundings seemed fitting. The conversation opened with Susan Issacs who shared with a lot of energy and humor about a time when she was angry with God. It was pretty engaging. Donald Miller followed. Although I have seen pictures of him, including one very overly large one that was hanging outside the church just in case we were tempted to miss it, I was taken in by how he spoke with the same casual conversational style with which he writes.

I was also pretty excited to meet up with my online friend Wendy, also a writer. She is the one that told me about the book and book tour, knowing that I too was a Donald Miller fan. I devoured the new book within days of receiving it - a major accomplishment for me in this phase of life where I have so little time and such inability to concentrate. His talk put breath and humanity to his words. It was inspiring on many levels. As a writer, I was inspired to write a good story, and as a human being I was inspired to live one. He talks about all of the elements of story and relates that to the narrative aspect of the Bible. He talked about how no good story is without conflict, and how we can make choices to enter a story that can have an impact on the world. He talked about the things that may be said of us as "those Christians" as we engage our faith in the world around us for the better. Hearing this out loud made me stop being ashamed of calling myself a Christian. It had beauty and depth and meaning. I wondered for a long time on the way home how I had let that be stolen from me as a follower of Christ.

After the talk, there was a meet and greet time to have your books signed. All the hand-shaking and touching compelled me to approach the table with my hand sanitizer gel at the ready for our host, but I restrained the urge lest I look like a freaky germ-o-phobe. Kendra had my book to sign and was ecstatic at getting to meet her "favorite author". I stood behind them. I didn't say a word. I didn't shake a hand. I was in that writer's space in my head and found that I was content to stand behind them and take in the moment.

When we left I was overwhelmed with thankfulness.

An Update

2009-10-09T07:08:00.004-05:00

I haven't blogged in so long that I don't know where to start. I miss my blog and the discipline of daily writing, but it got a little weird for a while. I am such an open person that it was hard for me not to emote all over the place. I see value in the ability to be open and real for the sake of others who may stumble upon my writing and find that they aren't crazy - that this is how it feels to let your heart break, to move forward into the unknown - but I needed to take a break.

The truth of my situation as I see it now is that everything I feared would happen has indeed happened. All of the worst possible scenarios played out. I have had to leave the kids for longer periods of time that I ever wanted, expect more of them that I ever hoped to, and have faced some of the hardest truths about myself and my life. I would love to say that it's all come up roses, but it's still hard.

The most recent stress of our situation is my landlord that said I could live in the house for a year has decided t put it on the market after only 7 months. It may take 5 more months to sell it, but nonetheless it looks like we'll be moving again. I am ready to move on. This shared house thing is really for the birds. I do not like moving, but see this as a stepping stone to a better life.

There are some huge bright spots. I have a job I love helping homeschool families in need. It has been amazing and a great "reality check" to remind me that lots of people are in very difficult situations, many severely worse than my own. I have friends that love me - we hang out and play cards, watch movies, hike the Appalachian Trail and all sorts of things. They bring me groceries, listen to me whine and pray for me. I am truly blessed in this. Truly.

This weekend I am going with four women from my family to New York City for the weekend!!! I am so excited. I have always wanted to go. I have felt a little guilt over going and not taking the kids but I know I really need the break. I love my kids - they are excited for me. How cool is that? I'm hoping to bring back a more sane, relaxed mom for them.

Hope all of my friends out there in bloggy-land are doing well. I haven't read blogs in years. I hope to resume that part of my life one day in the very near future.

Life in a Different Frame

2009-07-19T08:45:00.003-05:00

There have been a lot of adjustments for my family over the last few months. I am learning to feel safe in my own skin, with my own thoughts - and also evaluate the portion of the things that went wrong in my marriage that were mine. Nobody should ever be bullied, but sometimes when people grow up in sick childhoods, they seek that which is familiar - even participate in creating the toxic environment. I am working on the part of the problem that was solely mine.
I am learning that it is alright to love someone that you might not be able to live with, however permanent or temporary that may be. The question has come up more than once recently whether or not I'm single - and I answer emphatically no. I really don't know what I am, but for now I am content to just take life day by day and embrace the healing that has been extended to me. Every healthy thought, every sane action and reaction is a gift from God.
The landlords where I have been renting have decided to put their house on the market which means the kids and I will be moving again. Everyone talks about how the house won't sell -but I am the one left carrying the fear that my children and I will be given a 30 day notice and have nowhere to go. It was a good opportunity for me to practice clarifying boundaries, when a realtor was brought through my living quarters without forewarning.
My children have been learning autonomy in many areas. I was amazed this week when Kendra made "the best" peach pie I have ever tasted with no instruction whatsoever other than a note left on the table that said "MAKE PEACH PIE". I didn't expect she would actually do it. She also started a new job that she really wanted last week. Kaitlyn has been working part-time all summer at a local day care and arranging her own transportation, has an interview this coming week for an internship at the museum in the local library so she can get her feet wet, and is generally my right arm. Kullen was my hero last night when I heard a mouse in the kitchen. I have no idea how to set a mousetrap. He spent a few minutes researching it on YouTube, and had us all set up. Sometimes I wonder if the kids will look back on this time in life as one of the best or one of the most difficult. It seems that there isn't always a big difference in the two. Often the trials are the times when we're forced to dig in, and the best of us shows up. It seems that this is giving them the opportunity to shine. We all need each other and we are learning how to share our strengths and forgive each other our weaknesses.
I'm learning to love life in a different frame, I just needed time for my eyes to adjust.

Michael Jackson Remembered

2009-07-09T06:23:00.004-05:00

Like much of the world around me, I have been thinking about Michael Jackson. I remember the time he set his hair on fire during the filming of a Pepsi ad. I also remember the tight kinky perm my cousin Shawna got that we called the "Michael Jackson hair".
It is interesting as I think over the different aspects of how his music impacted my life - as someone else said he was sort of the "fabric of our lives", singing in the background at our school dances, entertaining us on MTV, his life ever being consumed for our amusement. and it makes me so sad. To hear people recount how he would be giddy with excitement when he could be disguised well enough to walk down the street like a normal person. I know a lot of people think that being rich was enough of a reward to compensate for all he gave up as a celebrity, but I disagree. Other than his family, did he ever know that anyone truly loved him without ulterior motives? I think that this drove his interest in children and eventually becoming a father.
I've heard people say he was a "freak" and a "pervert". If he was, then I suggest that he was one of our making. Was he ever given a chance to be normal? Did he ever get to live any semblance of a regular life? If he were not a celebrity, would he be gone today? I think he was here and is gone because we used him up.

Maya Angelou's summed it up beautifully in her tribute "We Had Him"

Beloveds, now we know that we know nothing, now that our bright and shining star can slip away from our fingertips like a puff of summer wind.

Without notice, our dear love can escape our doting embrace. Sing our songs among the stars and walk our dances across the face of the moon.

In the instant that Michael is gone, we know nothing. No clocks can tell time. No oceans can rush our tides with the abrupt absence of our treasure.

Though we are many, each of us is achingly alone, piercingly alone.

Only when we confess our confusion can we remember that he was a gift to us and we did have him.

He came to us from the creator, trailing creativity in abundance.

Despite the anguish, his life was sheathed in mother love, family love, and survived and did more than that.

He thrived with passion and compassion, humor and style. We had him whether we know who he was or did not know, he was ours and we were his.

We had him, beautiful, delighting our eyes.

His hat, aslant over his brow, and took a pose on his toes for all of us.

And we laughed and stomped our feet for him.

We were enchanted with his passion because he held nothing. He gave us all he had been given.

Today in Tokyo, beneath the Eiffel Tower, in Ghana's Black Star Square.

In Johannesburg and Pittsburgh, in Birmingham, Alabama, and Birmingham, England

We are missing Michael.

But we do know we had him, and we are the world.

No Time to Blog

2009-07-08T05:41:00.004-05:00

Life is moving at a breakneck pace. I literally didn't have one minute to relax yesterday. From the moment I left work it was go, go, go. Once I got home at 11 pm I had to make my "healthy" lunch. Real food, good food requires so much more prep time, but it is worth it. I had started to wake every morning with a blood-sugar crash that felt much like a hangover and in just a couple of days with the simple diet change of removing white sugar and white flour from my diet, I already feel sooooo much better.
I have decided that working moms are my heroes. Having been a "stay at home mom" for many, many years, I KNOW that all moms are working moms. However, there is a great juggling act that goes on for moms that work full-time outside the home, one that I am only beginning to understand. Every day I am proud of myself for all that I do - the sense of accomplishment and the spirit of doing whatever is necessary - and simultaneously I feel guilt for all that I cannot do and the abbreviated amount of time that I spend with my kids. But day by day we are making it, one day at a time.

One is the Loneliest Number

2009-07-04T10:11:00.003-05:00

Some days I feel it more than others. It is so hard to measure, or know what brings it on, but I miss him. You don't spend 20 years with someone without some indelible impression being made on your psyche like a footprint that says "I was here". Every minute was not the toxic mixture our union had become toward the end.
Suddenly I feel more alone than ever. Even when I'm in the company of friends, that sense of being significant, the half of the whole that being pulled apart leaves the other diminished. Two are left where one used to be, both with broken hearts.
The anger of all that was stolen has carried me, but now it seems be giving way to grief. The joy of being "home" also lifted me above the heaviness for a time, but real life has to resume. All holidays present opportunities for grief to surface, even Independence Day. Family gatherings, cook-outs, barbecues - just sitting on the outer rim uninvited. And yet being invited is equally as painful. Seeing so many people - even the friends who you know have had similar marital struggles as your own - all basking in the contentment of their relationships is a gnawing feeling in the hollow pit of your stomach.
Tonight the kids want me to take them to see fireworks so they can meet up with a group of their friends. We might do that. We were also invited to a church picnic that today I just can't bring myself to do. Sometimes it is less lonely alone.
I'm wishing for an ordinary Saturday.

The Question Without an Answer

2009-07-03T08:02:00.002-05:00

WHY? What about me didn't deserve to be cared for, protected, loved? I don't understand - sometimes life feels like swimming in a sea of people who all seem to have life jackets but nobody has one for me - I'm just adrift, getting more and more tired, and each person I swim up to refuses to let me hold on.
This is me in the natural - the insecurities that I wrestle with - the fear, abandonment and rejection that are palpable at times. God is reminding me of His love, but today I am having trouble accessing it, feeling it, knowing it in my heart of hearts. I don't need any answers - just wanted to share this in case one day you are feeling this way too - so you know you are not alone.
Papa, pour your love on me today.

Let Go of the Cheese

2009-07-02T05:18:00.008-05:00

Life has been pretty crazy around here lately. The return to work full-time after being a homeschool mom for so many years, but always working part-time doing something from home to help make ends meet - has been a transition for sure. My job at Walmart prepared me for the first step out of the house, like a boot camp of sorts without the full time hours.
I have to say that I.love.my.job. Seriously. I actually get up in the morning looking forward to going to work. I feel productive, purposeful, accomplished. I work in an environment that supports me in my efforts to keep my kids at home - and recognizes this as my choice as a parent. I get to talk to other homeschooling parents and support them in their choices, and offer some tangible help. My co-workers are some of the most amazing people with a wide variety of personalities. They each make the day better in their own unique ways. We also have opportunities twice a week to pray together. I couldn't ask for a better place to work.
This transition in our lives has led to a lot of changes. The kids are taking on a lot of the household responsibilities, including the cooking. I love to cook. It has been hard for me to let go of this, but it has been really nice to see what the kids can do. I can put a meal in the crock pot in the mornings, but I only do that occasionally.
These life changes have dictated a lot of standard reconciliation. I have had to reevaluate what meant the most to me, what I actually had control of, and what I did and did not have the time to do. One of the things I noticed recently that had changed in our lives was cheese. About ten years ago, during the Pampered Chef era in my life, I stopped buying shredded cheese because it was covered in cellulose - a flour like substance that kept it from sticking together. Freshly shredded cheese is also more flavorful. It is just one of the things I had to let go of - and it indicates to me a healthy response to all of the changes I have encountered. Most of them go way deeper than cheese. I had all these plans and dreams for my life, that haven't necessarily died but taken on a different shape. I have learned to let go of the cheese.

Facebook Feed Test

2009-07-01T06:19:00.000-05:00

This is a test. This is only a test. In the event of a real emergency, get off of your computer! If you smell smoke, you may be on fire. If you are on fire, please step away from your computer before jumping into a lake, pool or other body of water. This is only a test.

Back to the Blog

2009-06-29T05:56:00.003-05:00

I have missed blogging a great deal. It is an outlet, that as my friend Joanne would say is cheaper than therapy. One thing that sort of brought my blogging to a screeching halt was when I made it private. I am a pretty open person. I hate the feeling of being false or concealing my feelings. Sometimes the things I think and write are not theologically sound. Sometimes my words don't come out right. Sometimes what I write here on my blog is in process. I am going to stop making apologies for it. God is with me even in the dark places where other people don't always want to go. If you are troubled or concerned by anything you read here, you are free to use that little X in the upper right hand corner, and visit here no more. It won't hurt my feelings. As for me, I will continue to blog my little heart out as I see fit.
Since I am no longer in "Texas" I will probably be relocating my blog to a "JulsnWV" address or something on those lines. Stay tuned.

He is That Good

2009-05-06T19:52:00.001-05:00

I'm sitting on my front porch, in the dark, listening to the rain. It is lovely. The air is cool and damp, but this damp is the hopeful damp of spring. It is nurturing the trees and flowers, new life, emergence even now in the night. To chase the night chill, a hot cup of tea provides the perfect remedy.
I am reminded that I have gone through one of the hardest transformations of my life. This ability to sit here alone in the quiet symphony of raindrops unafraid is a part of a new me. I am being molded and re-shapen - the broken clay in the Potter's hands. I have hope that He is making something beautiful among the ruins. I don't know how I ever took that first step off of that cliff, but I can testify to the Everlasting Arms that caught me.
I am surrounded by His all-encompassing love. There are things I am starting to hope for my future, and my soul asks of Him, "Could You really be that good?"
I am not sure how the journey was made from utter hopelessness to one of such promise and peace, but let my life be a testimony. Yes, He really is that good.

One Day at a Time

2009-04-25T07:49:00.002-05:00

In this healing process that the kids and I are going through, there seem to be stops and starts. One thing for certain is that I have to keep a check on how busy I allow myself to be, as sort of a self-preservation method. If I am constantly on the go go go and busily doing this, that and the other, there is little time to think about all that is happening.
I get anxious when I think beyond this current time period. If I try to let my mind wander even six months down the road, I become preoccupied with where I want to be - physically, emotionally, in life, in the healing process. It overwhelms me, and so like the "take action" kind of girl that I am, I start trying to develop a plan on how to get there. This is never productive, specifically because I don't know how to get there. All I know is that this day, and this moment are a gift from God, and He is helping me through it.
I don't want anyone to get the impression that I'm falling apart. I have my moments. Certain things still have the ability to bring me to my knees. I am still quite capable of tears, but I know there will come a day when I'll be stronger. God is daily teaching me that His grace is sufficient for me this day. If I can stay focused on that, it is a good day.
I heard about a divorce care group at a local church, and I am thinking about joining. I haven't decided yet. I think it could be pretty toxic, and have no desire to sit around and listen to a bunch of ex-bashing. So, if I check it out it will be by sticking my toe in and testing the waters. I also want to be extremely careful - the circumstances of my situation have the opportunity to paint me the victim. I have no desire to be such.
There is this learning curve. I know that I never had a partner in life before, and that instead of carrying part of the load, I had an extra burden and a force beating me down, literally and figuratively that handicapped me. There is a peace amidst the chaos. I know we're going to be alright. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time, hand in hand with my Papa.

Awaiting the Beauty

2009-04-21T21:01:00.003-05:00

The kids and I went 17 Again this afternoon. It was pretty good, lighthearted fare. The main storyline is a man who is losing his family because he has resented all that he had to give up when he married his pregnant high school girlfriend. In a "freaky Friday" moment, he is transported back to 17. Even though this is a story of redemption, how he finds his way back to what matters most, it made me so angry. All along the road of life we have choices, and we don't get to blame someone else for where those choices carry us. I know - I was married for a long time to a man who resented having to be a husband and a father, but all along the way we made choices together about the kind of life we wanted. It was me left holding the bag, trying to survive and make it all work without a partner. Although not everyone abuses their spouse in their frustration, many people neglect and abandon their spouse. It is infuriating.
I was talking to a friend last night and I decided that I still believe in love. It has become crystal clear to me that no person can fully know another person. Within each of us is the secret life of our thoughts, the private hopes and dreams. That is what makes it so beautiful when two people decide to open their hearts to one another, sharing those intimacies that lay embedded in the human soul and make it work somehow.
That was not the case for me. Maybe it never will be. I wouldn't have to go back to 17 again to know how to keep from mucking things up. I have been working faithfully all along, but found that my partner had abandoned me in a burning building. My life lay in ruins around me with my footprints in the ashes, awaiting the beauty.

The Job

2009-04-16T05:40:00.007-05:00

I got it!!!!
The one where I wore my underwear upside down to the interview. Yes, I did. It is a fantastic job that is not too far from home. The pay is great, the benefits are great, it is homeschooling friendly. When I say great benefits I mean you get 13 paid holidays, 2 weeks paid vacation every year, health coverage including dental and vision, paid sick leave, paid doctor's visits, and you even get your birthday off and paid. The job is also at a very lovely college campus and I will be working with some really awesome people that I can't wait to get to know better.
I am so thankful as I see doors open and God's provision for me and the kids. It overwhelms me to see His concern for all the littlest details.

On another note, I am going to be putting in my two weeks notice at Walmart very soon. I don't start the new job until May 18th, but I am trying to plan a week off to do a few things with the kids before I am working full-time. I would like to leave on good terms so that I can possibly pick up some part-time work for the holidays, or if anything should ever happen in the future where I needed employment. However, although I have enjoyed my time as a cashier for various reasons, some hard realities have become apparent.
Nobody working at Walmart makes enough to live on. This is called a "living wage". Over the last several months I have worked alongside attorneys and realtors and other professionals and educated people who are there because there is not enough to keep them working. It is a huge blow to get that first paycheck. When you realize how hard you are working - on your feet for 8 hours a day doing often back-breaking labor and still not taking home enough money to meet your basic needs, it is hard.
I think it is time with all the economic change going on in our country to get a grip and realize that minimum wage may be suitable for teenagers who are living at home with their parents, but it is in no way a fair wage for an employer to pay people who are trying to support families. Walmart pays more than minimum wage, and it still is not enough. They also keep most of their employees at part-time status and work them at 33-34 hours and don't have to give them any benefits.
In the hiring process, Walmart asks whether or not you are on public assistance. Is that the plan? Does this huge corporation think that their employees, though they work hard, must provide for their family straddling the line of their wages and qualifications for welfare? It is terrific if they are providing jobs for people so that they can get off of welfare, but why should a person that works need to be on the dole?
These are just some frustrated and discouraged thoughts. I am hopeful because I have a better job waiting for me in a month, but I am sad for all the people who I leave behind who have no prospects for a better situation.

Surprise

2009-04-12T09:17:00.002-05:00

This past week, I started to feel pretty good about my situation. In spite of wearing my underwear upside down all day unnoticed, I was starting to get excited about the possibility of a good job, and settling into a new life with my kids. I had become exceedingly grateful for the peace that had seemed to settle in our home. Even with my erratic work schedule, we were developing a cadence and rhythm that seemed to work. Then it happened....
Wednesday night I was doing my thing, ringing up customers and trying to send them away with a smile when I looked up and saw him. Yes, him. Travis. He stood back smiling like he expected me to be happy to see him, and I felt my blood turn to ice water in my veins. I started to shake, not so much with fear, but boiling anger. He said he wasn't there to bother me. It was alright. He only came to see the kids. (Interestingly enough, he must've expected to see the kids at work with me....)
One problem. The kids don't want to see him.
I asked all three of them if they wanted to see him, and encouraged them to do so.
I guess that seeing someone rant and rage and kick and scream and throw and shout and stomp and run and slam and curse every day of your life makes you pull back. I told them all that I would take them to him and that it would not offend or hurt me whatsoever. I did not want them in any way refuse him out of some sort of obligation or loyalty to me.
Not one of them wants to see him right now.
It breaks my heart. Not for Travis. I know that he is laying in the bed that he made for himself. He was told for years, more years than anyone deserved of the damage he was doing to all of us and he persisted. It is very difficult to allow someone to live with the consequences of their own actions. But live with it he must, because it can no longer be at the expense of me or my children. Kendra wrote it so eloquently:

Now I feel free. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I am far away from that situation...from that house...from that state of mind. And I am so happy! When you're living in it, you don't even realize how oppressive it is. I felt like everything was closed off and I was destined to lead one kind of life. Now I feel as if the whole world is opened up to me...

Some days I feel it, like a dirt I can't wash off - the scummy film of abuse. The names you were called like stickers pasted around, swaddling you like a mummy with torn and filthy bandages. The real you is under there but you feel that all you or anyone else can see are these labels, the things that he said you were.
Since he got here, Travis has pretty much left me alone. But there is that feeling of knowing he is here and that I might encounter him around every corner that stalks me. It is the reason that after being separated for months, I knew I had to leave Texas. Even that state wasn't big enough for the both of us. His deciding that he needed to be here, and that his needs mattered more than the space the rest of us needed for healing to take place is just confirmation that this is right.
I am stronger every day.

Should Not Be Allowed Out of the House in Real Clothes

2009-04-08T08:12:00.005-05:00

I had a big job interview yesterday. I was pretty anxious about the clothing thing. My life for the last 18 years or so has consisted of a jeans and t-shirt uniform. I liked it that way. Even the church we attended for so many years was of the casual variety - come as you are. So I came, as.I.was.
The night before the interview, I pulled out what I thought might be workable and started trying things on. It was hopeless. I bought a new bra - I guess I thought my boobs should look more professional, but when I proceeded to try clothes on with my newly shaped parts, nothing fit correctly. I went to bed with my best choice being a pink top and some brown slacks. Pink? If you know me - you know how out of character it would be for me to wear pastel pink. Oi vay!
I woke up the next morning, the day of the interview and knew I could not wear the pink. I decided it might be the bra and with that quick change, I found that everything fit me much better. Black slacks, and olive green top with a black camisole underneath and I was good to go. I even had knee highs, and nice shoes. When I left for the interview I felt pretty confident, until I noticed I was getting a wedgie. At first I was thinking it was from the slippery dress pants that I'm not accustomed to wearing. As soon as I got to the office, I checked in with the receptionist and excused myself for a moment to the restroom to check my windblown hair, and the wedgie. I was mortified to find that I had left the big folding tag on the back of the new slacks. I ripped it off and stuck it in my purse, deep enough so that should I be asked to pull out my wallet for any reason - I would not also produce the tag. And as always after using the restroom, I pulled my underwear back up. The act of pulling them down and back up is usually resolves any wedgie issues.
Then the interview. More on that later - but at one point, sitting in a very nice office in an upright chair, I felt something pricking me in the back. Prick, prick! So I moved a little, and more pricks. I knew almost instantly that it was the tag, still inside my blouse. In my nervousness to get ready - I had failed to remove any tags whatsoever. I sat there answering questions, attempting to ignore the seeming sword that was trying to run me through from behind.
I rushed home once the interview concluded to change into my Walmart uniform and head off to the job that I already have. When my shift was over, I came home and went to the bathroom and found that I must've put my underwear on wrong. I noticed a seam where it should not have been. The reason for the wedgie? The crotch of my underpants had been on my left hip all day long, and I never noticed.
So, never be fooled by how put together I might be on the outside. I really should not be allowed out of the house in real clothes.

The Birthday Wish

2009-04-05T07:33:00.005-05:00

I can't believe you're 18. Where did the time go? In the beginning there was just you and me, hiding behind a wish that became a secret. I have said it before, you saved me. It was the moment I knew that my life was significant to something bigger than myself that I decided to sit up and take notice. But still, you were the practice child. The one I had to learn everything with for the first time, which is essentially a nice way of saying you're the one who graciously endured my mistakes. It wasn't easy being trying to be both parents to you as it never should have been - and I always hurt for what was lacking - but this year for your birthday the best gift I can give you is the freedom of peace and joy and a quiet, loving atmosphere. I pray that you use it well. Surround yourself with people who treat you with love and respect and dignity. Forgive those who might belittle you, or raise a hand to you for your own sake - but don't allow them into that inner circle, or give them the intimacies of your heart. I hope if you've seen any bad examples from me, that you choose to learn from them and do the opposite. I know from experience that sometimes the worst examples are the best way of knowing what not to do.
While you keep that inner circle guarded, don't forget to open your heart to love when the time is right. Remember that people are imperfect, each with their own inadequacies. Please don't be afraid to risk your heart for a person who is deserving. Don't be afraid that every man will be the one you have known. If you panic or hide or run from love, you will miss out on the best moments life has to offer.
Never settle for mediocrity, in any area of your life. Henry David Thoreau said "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams; live the life you have imagined." I can't think of better advice on your 18th birthday than that. Don't allow your life to be derailed by someone who puts those dreams down, or refuses to be a companion on that path, be it friend or lover. Take responsibility for your own life, because it is yours alone.
Thank you for moving back to West Virginia with me. I know it meant sacrifices on your part, and I will never forget them. You are an amazing young woman, and I am so blessed to be your mom. You have always given me courage to try to be better than I am, because you deserved the best mom I could give you. Always remember that I love you. Happy Birthday baby.

A Cause and Effect God

2009-04-01T16:35:00.002-05:00

I have struggled spiritually so much over the last several years. When you reach a dark place, it is very difficult to train your eyes to see even the tiniest spark of light. I would dare to say so hard that often in despair you close your eyes and surrender to the darkness. This is where I have been.
As I struggle back to the surface, trying to find some grounding, and allowing my eyes to adjust to light and my heart to surrender to the love that surrounds me, I see a flaw in how I have viewed God. So much of what we're taught about God makes us think of our relationships to him as "cause and effect". Do good things and be rewarded. Do bad things and be punished. It leaves a person in a bad situation to believe that they have deserved what they got, they were the map that led to this destination, the magnet drawing in the negative consequences. This line of thinking leaves a person in despair, hopeless, drowning without a life raft.
I have come to understand that good things often happen to people who do not deserve them. David knew this (Psalm 73) when he lost his footing at the sight of the prosperity of the wicked.
I have also seen good people suffer through ungodly circumstances. If this were not so, how would we account for babies born addicted to crack before even living one day on this earth? How would we account for the atrocities of war, the holocaust, the elderly rotting in nursing homes day after day with little more than having their basic needs met?
Our culture tells us that we are rewarded or punished for our deeds, and somehow this concept has been applied to God and spiritual things. I know it is not true. Moment by moment, in my pain and suffering, He has not abandoned me. I have suffered things I know that I do not deserve, but I know that through it all He has not abandoned me. He has been beside me all the way. My pain is His pain. It was for the hurts of humanity that Christ went to the cross. The next time I am tempted to close my eyes in despair and let the darkness swallow me, I will remember I am not alone.

Wake up to the Reality

2009-03-30T07:24:00.003-05:00

Things are difficult. I cry at times when I don't expect tears to come. Making potato soup yesterday, I was overwhelmed with worry about what Travis was eating, and in the next moment felt pathetic and small to care so much for someone who cared so little for me. He threatened divorce the other day with an ultimatum that I apologize for something that was irrational. He is free to make whatever choices he feels are necessary. But it hurts, and driving in the rain to get my kids from a birthday party I just let it all out. Between the tears and the rain, I am not sure how I made it to my destination.
It is a lonely road that I am on. People encourage you and love you and tell you you're brave, and what a great job that you're doing, but in the end you are the one that must wake up every morning to the reality of your situation. In general, the kids and I are very happy. There is a peace that has settled - this feeling that we're going to be alright and I am so thankful for that. But in the meantime there is still a lot of hurt, a lot of unresolved issues, and memories of terrible things that happened that I had long since buried deep inside myself that keep coming up like vomit. I have to deal with them, but to tell you the truth I really don't know how. These are ugly, awful things - and even though I was the victim and not the perpetrator, I feel hideous inside for the remembering. I can't really explain this fully - but yesterday morning when Porky (the pastor of our old church The Chapel) said "The One who knows you best, loves you the most" just overwhelmed me with emotion.
I am still trying to reconcile all of it. Abuse makes you feel filthy, dirty, worthless, small, powerless.... The touching - all the touching, and the anger, the things flying around in your head, and the names you're dodging, trying to hold your breath until you're allowed up for air, and hope it isn't too late. You try to rationalize that you aren't the things you are called but you were taught so long ago not to trust yourself because you are nothing. You become convinced that even God regrets having created you.
I am having a particularly hard day. There seems to be nobody in particular to share it with. For the most part, though I have some amazing friends, I feel like I have to keep a lid on all this intensity for their sake. I need them, and I don't want to scare them away. If I start to really allow myself to cry this out, I fear I may never stop. This song that I heard the other day keeps running through my brain...

....please don't fight these hands that are holding you.....
What isn't making things any easier right now is that I injured my back. I am hoping it is muscular strain from all the moving and unpacking, but I am literally waking up every couple of hours and finding that it hurts so badly I can barely roll over. Once I do get rolled over, I can't get comfortable, and then I'm awake very early. Just what I needed.

Scaredy Cat

2009-03-29T07:50:00.004-05:00

Last night the girls were spending the night with a friend, so Kullen and I had Tina and the boys come over and watch Twilight with us. You know, Twizzlers, popcorn, Pepsi, and we laughed ourselves silly. She is so short, she looked like Edith Ann sitting in my big red chair, and that caught my funny bone. But for the most part, I don't remember what we laughed so much about. It was just good to laugh wholeheartedly and without reservation. To laugh and talk and be myself without feeling that I would be ridiculed.
After they left, and it was just Kullen and I home alone, the house was so big, and so quiet, and nestled so deeply in the woods. I couldn't help but think of that damn movie "The Strangers" that my girls thought would be fun to see. The only truly scary movies are things that could really happen, and that movie was about an home invasion of the most evil kind. I kept freaking out with images of people standing around the house just staring at it - and even looked a few times to see if anyone was out there.
I don't undertand it - having had a mom who was a "party-girl" and left me alone all night long from the time I was very young. I never had the luxury of being afraid to be alone. I think it is the knowing - the choice to be on my own and not knowing how permanent this is, combined with the scary movie. No more scary movies for me for a while. I also asked the girls to have sleepovers here until I get a little more used to this house!

I'm Not Brave

2009-03-26T07:22:00.002-05:00

In the past few weeks so many people have told me how proud they are of me and how brave I am. I feel so the opposite. Last night was the first night the kids were downstairs watching a movie and I heard the floor upstairs creak and stood completely still for just a minute, terrified. My mom was single for a while, and even when she was married my step-dad worked a lot of nights so she would go out and leave me alone. I have done this a million times. But now it seems so real, so permanent, so much up to me.
The crazy part is that the biggest threat to me and my family has lived inside the four walls with us for the last 20 years. I have protected and defended myself and my children, but in a far different fashion that anyone might have imagined. I know I can do this, but sometimes I feel tremendous fear. There is nothing to do but what is before me. So I went to bed afraid last night, and today I make it through another day.

If you were interested in seeing pictures inside they house they are available here. You can click on them and make them larger if you look.

Haven of Peace

2009-03-24T17:59:00.006-05:00

I got quite a bit done today, including watching Mamma Mia with my friend who is Ethel to my Lucy. It was nice to sit in the afternoon with a hot cup of coffee and chill for a couple of hours. I then proceeded to get the living area mostly done. There is a little section which is going to be Kullen's room that needs some attention, but it looks and feels like home. Some of my closest friends describe me as a "nester" and it is true. When I move - I am absolutely driven to get things put away, hung up and in order. It is essential to my sanity and I literally cannot relax until it is done. I am hoping to post some pictures here later of our new place. For now I am posting this outside picture that was taken by my cell phone. It is the only one I have at the moment. We have our main living area in the finished basement which is accessible from a door behind the fence between the house and the garage. I have a bedroom upstairs - it is yellow and Kaitlyn says it is good for me because it is cheery. We also have a fabulous kitchen that is shared on occasion with the owner of the house when she comes up from South Carolina to take care of infrequent business with a daycare center that she owns. It is an amazing blessing because we have a decent place to call home for the same rent as I would be paying in a subsidized apartment with my kids. There are children in the neighborhood that have overwhelmed Kullen - but I feel sure he will warm up to them and have great times playing with other kids. All the kids have had friends over and it has been awesome to have people around us again. It makes me feel loved, supported and stronger.
This morning the kids and I went for our first counseling session. It was tremendous. We walked away with a lot of insight and the lady who is counseling us is amazing. She validated that we were living in an abusive environment - and asked me to admit it to myself. It isn't easy. It is easier to think what I was always told, that other people had it much worse, and that it wasn't "that bad". The counselor wants to see us individually starting with me. She helped me see that some of the things Travis is doing even now are manipulative. He tries to put all the responsibility for the way the kids interact with him on me - she called it triangulating. She also helped me know that it is okay for the kids to tell their dad that they don't want to talk to him right now, and that he needs to respect that boundary. She gave us language to use when people ask questions we aren't ready to answer. She also made it very clear that the one year I was asking for was of the utmost importance. It was all very helpful and even Kullen - who went into the appointment saying, "I'm not talking to anyone about my problems!" warmed up to her by the end of our session.
So, we breathe, eat, sleep, live, and move. Life goes on. I have this sadness deep inside still - but it isn't consuming me anymore.

Privacy

2009-03-19T20:38:00.004-05:00

PLEASE leave me your email if you would like to continue reading this blog. I am not excluding anyone who is a regular here, so if you leave me your email I will add you here. If you don't, I won't be able to add you. I need this information in the next 48 hours or so. Thanks!

******Emails can be left here in the comments, or sent to me via email.
And whoever the person is that felt it necessary to run directly to my husband and fuel the already difficult situation between us by telling him my blog was going underground - thanks.

Blog Privacy and an Update

2009-03-19T18:21:00.008-05:00

My blog is going underground for a while. I would love to share it with people who make it known that they want to read it - so if you are interested in being listed as an approved reader, please send me your email address at julsnwv AT gmail DOT com to be added to the list. Thanks for understanding for now.
I started a new job at Walmart today and have some promising prospects for an even better administrative assistant position with a reputable organization that is extremely homeschool friendly. Please pray that I would have favor here. The position is right up my alley, and has "generous benefits". The kids and I have also found a house to rent from a family we used to go to church with years ago. The rent is perfect, as is the location. A house in my Blue Ridge Moutains. My favorite part.... a washer and dryer! Ha.
Life goes on. I realized today for the first time in many weeks that I felt "happy". Even though we aren't moved in or settled anywhere yet, I feel like life is finally going in a positive direction. I am so utterly thankful. I feel sad for Travis and we still have a lot of conflict to iron out. I don't know what will become of it. I am trying to let my behavior honor the person that I want to be and my Papa. It is a work in progress.
(If you read this blog as a "note" on Facebook, I don't think that anything will change! We'll have to see.)

John Ortberg on Marriage and Divorce

2009-03-17T22:32:00.004-05:00

Not long ago my friend and former pastor, Porky sent me an mp3 sermon by a pastor named John Ortberg on Marriage and Divorce. I can't find out how to load it and send you a link so you can listen, but I did find videos on his website. You can view it in three parts by clicking on the playlist at the right.

Part 1 - The History of Marriage and Divorce
Part 2 - Jesus' Teaching on Marriage and Divorce
Part 3 - The Pharisees Teaching on Marriage

I have felt for a long time that God himself would be utterly disappointed in me if I left my husband and gave up on my marriage. I am not in any way trying to find justification for a divorce, or even that I am pursuing one, but to know that God does not condemn me where I am right now set me free. I have been very angry at Him for a long time, feeling like He expected me to be trapped in misery. Now I know that my hurts have broken His heart.
I share this in the hope that it will be as liberating for someone else.

Mixed Bag

2009-03-15T07:21:00.004-05:00

Late Wednesday night after two days of loading a truck and excruciating goodbyes followed by three and a half days of driving, the kids and I were finally home in our Blue Ridge Mountains. We have been loved up on by the friends we have seen thus far, though we still have quite a few to see. It has been a long journey, pretty much the hardest of my life. I have run the gamut of emotions - from hysterical laughter to frustrated tears. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes and can turn a corner and feel as if a huge weight has lifted off of my shoulders. It really is a mixed bag of emotions.
There are so many highlights from our trip. The kids and I were crammed for the better part of four days in the front cab of a diesel truck that had only 3 seatbelts. Nobody could recline to doze off, and nobody had any elbow room. All things considered, it went fairly well and no blood was shed. The diesel engine was horribly loud and there was a slight smell of exhaust and ashtray. It took them 3 1/2 hours to get the truck - valuable moving time - so by the time I finally got it, there was no time to complain about the cleanliness or lack thereof to the Budget rental company. By day two my head hurt so bad that if I had a gun....... Kendra had a terrible headache as well. Kullen spent most of his drive time singing.. "Almost heaven, West Virginia....." and occasionally inspired us to sing along. Kaitlyn has been emotionally overwhelmed, hoping that people understand that though we are happy to see them, and happy to be back "home", it is not a party for us - not just yet. It is indeed one of the most difficult times of our lives.
I think we will make it through one step at a time. Yesterday I found a way to articulate how I feel - that I am standing my ground with wobbly knees. I am so thankful to have the support of my family who made sacrifices to financially support me, my friends who are holding me up, both those in real life that hold me up by offering to give up their beds, fill their pantries with food, let us do laundry, and all manners of physical support and for those of you in the realm of cyber friendships who pray, send love, financial support that I know you didn't even have, and constant encouragement. I don't know how I would've made it through without you, all of you. Thank you for helping me see that I did not deserve the way I was being treated, and helping me gain the courage to seek something better for myself and my kids.

Playlist Suggestions

2009-03-03T23:30:00.001-06:00

I am trying to get a playlist together for some music for the road trip to WV. I need suggestions. I don't want just happy songs - although I would prefer for the majority to be upbeat - but also reflective songs, and some that are sad. Sometimes it is good to listen to those and be sad, sing your little heart out and move on. So bring them on!

Stand by Me - Playing for Change

2009-03-03T12:32:00.001-06:00

This video made the route from friend to friend and was in my inbox this morning - and I don't believe it was an accident. It really lifted my spirits today! I hope it lifts yours as well.

Much Needed Sunshine

2009-03-01T20:54:00.000-06:00

The kids and I took a day trip to Galveston. It was nice to just get out of the house and remember there is something bigger than myself, my pain and my problems. And as an added bonus I got to meet up with my blogging buddy, Tammy! Such a special lady.
</3 Juls
Hysterical is the new calm!

Taking the Next Step

2009-02-26T09:52:00.001-06:00

Little bits and pieces are coming together. Loose ends are getting tied up. I am starting to see a small ray of light at the end of the tunnel. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life, and if you've read this blog at all I am sure you already know the kind of angst going on inside of me. I was looking at some blog archives the other day and remembered this post and song. That was last April. I'm not going to live another year of my life like this, and no matter how it hurts - I am just going to push forward for a better life.
I got an email this morning from a friend that strengthened me. It helped me know that I won't be lost forever in the muck that I feel is drowning me right now.

So we shall allot the first month for misery & mourning. Then when it is over.... it will be Spring. You will be home. There will be walks at the river, hikes on the trail, lunches & coffee out with friends. Then comes Fall, the time I start missing you the most. This year you get leaves & pumpkin flavored everything, Halloween party & Oktoberfest & bonfires at the river. Then Thanksgiving, Planes Trains & Automobiles & finally Christmastime with you, the way I like it best. You have done this for years "with" him.... now you can do it alone without him. Only you won't be alone. You will be free.

Validation of my pain. Permission to mourn. A future to look forward to.
I'm taking the next step....

Hollow

2009-02-22T08:14:00.004-06:00

This morning I feel like one of those hollow chocolate bunnies, the kind you get for Easter. The heat has turned up, as we get closer to the day when I pull away from my home and marriage with my three kids in a moving van to let it all fall apart, it is causing this feeling that I might dissolve, cave in on myself. I am so very sad this morning.
I need a friend. Not a phone call or an email, but flesh and blood to just sit with me in this pain - the way Dwayne reminded me Job's friends did after they ran out of answers.
There is a deep ache. I have this sense of wanting everything to go "back to normal" and yet I can't find a marker in time where that ever existed for us. It was always me, trudging along, trying to appear as if we were like everyone else. Now I find I wasn't even able to fool myself. I have reached the end of my strength, my resolve. Boxes are everywhere - tidy packages of the pieces of my life - a life I no longer know how to go on with.
The desperation threatens to overtake me. I never wanted this. I don't want it now. I want him to be the hero, to come crashing in to save us from this worst moment in our lives together.

The Clearing Wordle

2009-02-16T10:32:00.001-06:00

I found this on my friend Cynthia's blog. It's pretty cool. To get your own, go to Wordle.
See a larger version of this one here.

No Miracle

2009-02-15T11:17:00.004-06:00

God - I need you.
I am the one leaving, yes. I am walking away. While he talks of miracles and things that might be, I have heard it all before. I am not a stone. I feel it. I want it. It was supposed to be him in the framed pictures of all that I see for the future. Not cracked glass and an image torn in two.
I got boxes today - tidy and neat containers in which to put the pieces of my life if I had the strength to pick them up.
A heavy need to wail overcame me when I started this post and I stopped to indulge awhile. There is no comfort for my pain. I mourn as one with no hope. My prayers for the miracle of his softened heart turned to me fell on deaf ears for far too long to endure. The vow to love hanging over me unfulfilled.
How do you start to see the world again through cracked glass, with only half of what you thought you were? This is a pain that feels too deep to bare alone, and I am left here, crying like a baby for her mother. No mother will come. No miracle.

Remember That

2009-02-15T01:31:00.004-06:00

Thanks so much Erin - I think I am going to be alright. Trying so hard to remember that.

Who Would Choose This?

2009-02-14T08:28:00.004-06:00

There has been this feeling over the last couple of days that the bottom had dropped out. Everything that was familiar has become foreign, strange. The world looks different as I figure out how to make just Julie out of "Julie and Travis". But now it seems a strange and eerie peace has settled that is a huge relief, and terrifying.
It all hurts, and confuses and muddles. At work I see elderly couples shop together, moving seamlessly as if they were one. Communicating without words. I wanted that for us, the golden years. Then there are the young couples, and I remember us, a newborn between us in that early morning light when all the edges are blurred and all the sounds are softened.
I don't know how to separate it. When my parents got divorced, all the memories of us as a family seemed to have to die with their new relationships. The ones that managed to survive were the bad ones. How do I preserve the dignity of our lives for the last 21 years and not let anyone else define it based on their limited knowledge? Yes, the bad has overwhelmed the good - but there is still good there to find. I want those memories - they are mine.
Yesterday a friend eloquently explained marriage to me in a way she heard it when going through her own painful divorce - and it was so very helpful. (Thank you Becky) A marriage is like a child. It needs physical and emotional care. If you had a child that was sick, you would do everything you could to take care of it and nourish it back to health. On the other hand, if the child were to die, you would not hold onto it and keep it with you. You would bury it and mourn the loss and day by day learn to live without it again.
This is so hard. It is so painful. It isn't what I ever wanted. Who would ever choose this?

A Rant About the Church on Marriage and Divorce, Etc.

2009-02-11T12:52:00.007-06:00

Maybe I'm bitter - but I can't stop thinking about this, the bill of goods we've been sold as women. I just finished reading Vinegar Hill and the priest describes to the young woman about to be married her role as the "hearth" and the "home". What if the hearth has no one to stoke the fires? What if the home is more of a house, empty and fractured? What then?
I have been told throughout the years by well-meaning (and much loved) Christian friends that they couldn't condone divorce. They would support me through a separation - hold my hand, help me financially, even give the kids and I a place to live - but that divorce was never going to be an option. I have been in circles before where women who were divorced were whispered about when they left the room, tongue in cheek as one person would lean over and say, "this is her second marriage". Like I needed to know, be warned.
I am in a crisis so perhaps I will look back on this years later and come down on a completely different side of the issue - but for right now I am really struggling. Please filter whatever you read here through that fact. Right now I am angry. The "church" as an institution that would hold to this belief that I am less of a woman if I divorce my husband, that even through all of the hell I've lived and how I've tried to love in spite of it, I have failed. That I am a failure.
God hates divorce. It is true - but I know He sees what my kids and I have endured, and hates it as well.

No.Matter.What

2009-01-25T17:58:00.006-06:00

Time for a post about something else, anything else. I am so desperate to think about something else that I will even post about the Blue Bell Banana Pudding ice cream that is in my freezer currently, screaming my name!! On my mind, Walmart. I know - boring subject matter, but I do spend at least 4-5 hours there, 4-5 times a week.
Some observations - most of the women there are divorced. Some boldly admit they would rather be there than home. It makes me sad. I don't want to be bitter or resentful or consumed. I am going to choose grace the best that I can, one moment at a time, lest I forget and one of you remind me that I love the Lord, I want to love like Jesus and I don't want anybody to ever take that pursuit of His heart away from me. No.matter.what.
I still like smiling and interacting with my customers, even on my worst days. One day I was even challenged by a customer when asked in return how I was and I responded weakly that I was "fine". He didn't believe me, as well he shouldn't. But just that moment of compassion from another human being has the power to lift you up - seems it works from both sides of the checkout line.
One night last week, I had a man push his way between me and my cash drawer. That was interesting and it helped me remember how dangerous it can be to work around so much money. It also reminded me how desperate people can be who need or want money. Then yesterday I had a lady try to write a very obviously HOT check. Smokin'! She gave me a fake driver's license number that ended in 5678, tried to run out of the store with a $50 gift card, and told me at least 3 different stories about who she was buying the food for - a rescue mission, an elderly person and then a man in prison. (I thought taxpayers fed those who are incarcerated?) Anyway, it is always interesting at Walmart. I have been glad to have an out of the house job right now - it is a reason to get dressed on days when my emotions are so heavy I have been barely functioning.
Thanks for all your prayers, love and precious sentiments. They mean so much.

Trying to Remember

2009-01-24T13:49:00.007-06:00

When I look back on the best memories of my life, they were all without him. Outings with friends. Trips. Vacations. Walks on the beach. Laughing with my children uninhibited by someone's criticism. I've waited for the better life together, the time when he calms enough to enjoy life with me, laugh with me, love with me. I moved across the country in the hopes that he would be happy, but the cold hard fact is that he never will be. We'll never have the jacuzzi on the rooftop, romantic vacations, frolicking together with our grandchildren. All the dreams are dying. But I'm trying to remember that every moment together was one in which I had to manage him, make sure he wasn't uncomfortable, unhappy, unsettled. It was always too much work. I made my life without him. I am trying to remember why this needs to happen. I've been married alone. Not much is changing for me except the tremendous relief of not having to always make sure he is okay. I need to concentrate for a change on making sure I'm okay. What I want more than anything right now is to have a mom - someone to show up and help make sure my kids have food, the floors are swept and life is manageable for me. I want someone who I can put my ugliest crying face on in front of, who will wrap me in their arms with no pretense and let me cry my eyes out.
It is all frightening - like being on the edge of a cliff and having others tell you that they know there are arms that will catch you. But YOU know that the free fall you do on your way down, starting with that first step off the edge must be done alone. I keep hearing the words of Elisabeth Eliot, who used to start her radio show with “…..you are loved with an everlasting love, and underneath are the everlasting arms.”
I can go on. I will step off this cliff. I have been on my own for so long anyway. I just need to continue to remember.

Everything is Out of Control

2009-01-21T13:41:00.003-06:00

I can't handle one more stress
I can't find my footing -
I can't catch my breath -
I can't find the surface -

Every.single.thing is out of control.

Feeling Too Much

2009-01-21T08:56:00.002-06:00

I don't know how you go from being numb to feeling so much you feel like the pain alone will kill you. I spent about half an hour in my bathroom crying until I was vomiting, with my children holding my head. I don't know how to conceal the hell I am going through from them. While every intimate detail is not laid bare in front of them, I think there is no way to shield them from this. It is our mutual nightmare to live through together.
I feel like I can't listen to the radio or watch TV. Everything stirs up feelings inside of me. I don't really know what to do but put one foot in front of another. I would love nothing more than to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head and pretend this all is not happening and is not necessary.
Please continue your prayers dear bloggers. I know there is something supernatural that keeps me moving forward when I want to stop and sit right here in this pain and die.

Things I Will Miss About Texas

2009-01-17T10:12:00.003-06:00

I know that not all of my lurkers came out of the closet yesterday, but that's alright. You are still welcome here. I am going to try to get my blogging juices stimulated by some of your questions, the first of which being what I will miss about Texas.
This is a little bit of a difficult thing - one that cramped my heart with fear when we first decided to move to Texas. I would wake up with a cold chill of panic about just this thing. I may have to miss my daughter. Kendra has said that she may stay here in this area and go to college. I know that doesn't sound too horrible, but if she is unable to leave here now, I can't imagine that time and more roots and deeper friendships established that she will ever want to leave. I can't think about it too much just yet. There is a timing factor involved with the start of college and her 18th birthday and her getting her drivers' license - but I am trying to come to terms with the fact that she has a life to live and it is my job at this time to transition myself out of her way. But she by far would be the thing I would miss most desperately.
I would miss that spring starts in mid-February, right when you mentally think you cannot take one more day of winter. Wildflowers start to bloom, and the air gets full of that energy of new life bursting forth in all the trees and fields. There are some really nice trails to walk this time of year and I will miss them as well - especially the Sundew Trail which is where we most often traverse.
There are a few ladies that I have started to get to know better as well, now that we've decided to move, and my friend Melody who has been my companion in homesickness. It is difficult to share our lives together though because we live about 40 minutes away from them. We will always have the internet, email and Facebook. It will also be nice to know that they are nearby in case Kendra should need them if she has any trouble.
I will absolutely miss my house. I just love this 100 year old beauty and all of the charm. It really suits me. But without friends to fill the rooms, it is still lacking in spite of being my dream house.
I am sure there are other things I will miss, but these are the ones that stand out the most. Texas is not a bad place - and if I've given that impression at all in my blogging, please know that there is beauty to be found here and good people. West Virginia is my home, and nothing can compete with her place in my heart.

Come Out, Come Out Wherever You Are!!

2009-01-15T21:53:00.005-06:00

Come on, show yourselves...... I know I've been a lame blogger lately. Tell me what you'd like me to blog about when you leave your comment to let me know you're here. I'm game.

Country Roads Take Me Home

2009-01-11T23:59:00.005-06:00

I know that I have had plenty of "homesick for West Virginia" posts on this blog. Probably too many to count. I have missed it since the moment I drove away tearfully almost three years ago. I did give Texas a chance, but the truth is that one can only truly have one home. In the dysfunction of my parents' divorce and constant moving, I never really felt like I had a "home" in the same way others have experienced. That sense of belonging to a place, and it being a part of who you are - and until I left West Virginia I never realized how much a part of me it had become. I started to sprout roots, though shallow for my 36+ years that were entangled with many precious people. I had never experienced that sensation that I have read about of being called home, but lately I hear the mountain calling to me. We have talked about it, lamented about the reasons we came here, and with a lot of chaos in our home of late due to financial burdens, marital strain and other such things one thing has become crystal clear - it is in the best interest of our whole family to move back to West Virginia. This decision was made a couple of weeks ago, and almost immediately after, we had someone contact us about buying our house though we have yet to put it on the market. Seems that things may align splendidly. If you are a praying person, prayers for clear paths would be much appreciated.

The picture here was snagged from my friend and very talented photographer, Alexandra Beaulieu who gave me permission to use it. She took the picture from a spot perched above St. Peter's Catholic Church located on the hillside in historic Harpers Ferry, WV. Thanks so much Alex.

Don't Blog at All

2009-01-09T11:04:00.002-06:00

Have you ever heard the expression, "If you don't have something good to say - don't say anything at all!"? Well I have applied that to my blog which is the best explanation I can give for the silence. I am struggling again. Travis has been out of work for a full week, and we were behind everything before that. After I pay all the bills this week, we'll have just a little money to eek out for food and gas. I cannot think beyond this particular week. If I do, anxiety attempts to take over. Things are more difficult than I can say, and while I know that others are in far more dire situations, the one that I am in, juggling day to day feels like it's swallowing me. I feel like I can't work one more hour, fix one more relationship, resolve one more problem. I am just totally, physically, emotionally and mentally spent.

New Year's Food

2009-01-01T16:35:00.003-06:00

As is tradition, we are having black eyed peas for dinner tonight. My mom always made black eyed peas and cornbread. During my stint as a cashier extraordinaire, I have learned from many many many customers all buying these little peas that you make them for luck, but for prosperity you make cabbage. So that's what I've been missing all these years. I am not superstitious, but I thought, what could it hurt. When in Rome..... so I tried to find some cabbage - cause I actually do like it prepared correctly, al dente and not resembling leafy shaped snot seasoned with onion and garlic, salt and pepper. Unfortunately, I waited too late, and there were no heads of cabbage to be found. What I ended up with was shredded cole slaw, and intend to make this, hoping it will bring me prosperity coupled with the lucky peas. Evidently you make cornbread with it just because it tastes good!
What do you eat on New Year's Day?

Feeling Crusty and Defensive

2008-12-30T00:47:00.004-06:00

I had a discussion with my dad today wherein he took issue with homeschooling. Several times recently while discussing some changes going on in our family, it has been said that I needed to "put the kids in school". It really sucks that when I'm already down and out, feeling somewhat vulnerable is when people in my family from whom I most want love, acceptance and support, have chosen to use it to coerce me into the lifestyle they think I should have. Nothing doing.
In our conversation, it was asked if the kids were going to "sit around the house all day?" Is that really what people think we do? Perhaps if these people spent some time with us in our world, they would know better. My kids have always had friends and activities and engagements and lots of social outlets. I don't understand the small thinking that "socialization" is something learned in schools and not in the society at large.
I work hard to respect and love my siblings and the choices they make for their kids. I try to show my step-mother respect for what is important to her as a school secretary. Is it possible I could receive a little of this in return? Can we disagree and choose different things without making value judgments on one another? My kids are amazing, and it is really about damn time that they acknowledge it. If one of my nieces and nephews were shy - they would not blame the public schools. Don't blame homeschooling for my children's personalities. Don't blame homeschooling because they choose to sit with adults or their siblings instead of hanging out with a bunch of whooping, hollering teenagers who they think are idiots. Don't blame homeschooling because my kid doesn't care to play sports. Don't blame homeschooling for everything you think is wrong with my kids - who asked you to evaluate them anyway? Why do we all have to be gray - can't some of us have some color of our own?
When it comes down to it - I will never give up my choices for my family to live the way we see fit. That price is too high. I don't need anything if it comes with strings attached.

New Year's Resolution - Live Free

2008-12-27T12:30:00.005-06:00

I have been reading a couple of different blogs about New Year's resolutions. Each year I make some sort of statement regarding the futility of "resolutions" and the vague representation of time as we understand it. But in light of present circumstances, I am declaring 2009 the year to get free of some things that are weighing me down. I am not referring to excess poundage - which is a never-ending goal, but of the things in life that weigh me down. The expectations, definitions, implications, accusations - - I am in such hideous bondage to the chains I have allowed to bind me. It is exactly as the Message says, "a dark cloud".

With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.

No more dark cloud. I am ready to be free. Whatever it takes, no matter how hard, I am going to be free. I hear Braveheart inserting my name into that famous William Wallace quote - take a listen and in place of "Scotland" insert my name.... our yours if perchance you want to be free too!

Jesus Taught Me How to Celebrate Christmas

2008-12-25T12:26:00.004-06:00

Yesterday started with a bang. After several days of sleep deprivation, I had to brave the Christmas Eve shopping crowds to finish up shopping for my kids. Thankfully I knew what I wanted and knew where to get it - so with three stops to make, we headed first for the mall. It was early and not too crowded around 10 am - but by the time we left, close to noon - the place was a madhouse. It took 20 minutes just to pull out of the mall. Barnes and Noble offered a slight reprieve, and then on to Target which was another nuthouse!
Errands done, I headed off for my 4 hour Christmas Eve shift from 2-6pm at Walmart. From the second I walked in I could feel the tension in the atmosphere. The crowds were terrible, and people were in "me" mode. My line stayed busy - non-stop for 4 hours. Then it happened. About half an hour before the store closed, tensions started to build. Customers were being urged to the front to complete their purchases every 5 minutes or so - and they were getting cranky. When the CSM told me to close my line, people continued to get in. I kindly explained that my lane was closed as I finished up the last customer. As I concentrated on his order, a lady that comes in frequently and I have a fairly good rapport with got in line and unloaded several things onto the belt before I saw her and explained that I was closing. I was tired too. It was Christmas Eve for me and my co-workers too. I wanted to go home too. But she did not take this well, and started to throw things down in her cart angrily, swearing under her breath. We also had to have the local police come and guard the door that was left open for the last remaining customers and employees to exit because people were trying to force their way into the store after being told we were closed, and becoming violent.
There seems to be a disconnect in some people - some lack of recognition of the humanity of our fellow man. It is so disheartening. But it will not spoil Christmas. Neither will the "guaranteed delivery" of Kaitlyn's violin by Tuesday of this week - her big gift - that never came. Things happen and we often find ourselves discouraged by our circumstances - but none of those things should change what Christmas means. I had to choose throughout the tense day to remember that I did not know what brought each person to their disposition - perhaps they had lost a loved one this year, or like us had financial strain because of layoffs and job changes, or any number of a million other things. Even if they forgot my humanity, I made a conscious decision to remember theirs. Jesus taught me how.

To wish you Merry Christmas I leave you with the words to my favorite Christmas song:

I Am, You Are

In a lowly stable on that Bethlehem morn
The Savior of the world was born
Finally the one behind heaven's gates
Came to be earth's Emmanuel

Tenderly a mother rocks her baby boy
She is holding heaven's joy
Angels lend an ear as she begins to sing
A lullaby fit for a King

You are wonderful
Little Prince of Peace
Tiny Counselor
Almighty God
You are Ancient of Days
Precious newborn King
I Am, you are

Lowly shepherds came
The blessed Babe to see
And Mary marveled at the mystery
Only simple faith could help them understand
He would be the crucified Lamb

And Mary sang to her sweet little Lamb ...
You are wonderful
Little Prince of Peace
Tiny Counselor
Almighty God
You are Ancient of Days
Precious newborn King
I Am, you are

Dream a Little Dream With Me

2008-12-22T06:14:00.002-06:00

I don't know why - but all of my life sleep has eluded me. I love to sleep. When I lay down, it is usually only a matter of minutes before I'm out like a light. Typically this is because I don't go to bed one second before I'm utterly exhausted - which just so happens to be most of the time. With my new work schedule - 1/2 am is becoming pretty common which means I need to sleep until about 8 or 9. But, here it is 6 am and I am wide awake - well maybe not wide - but I am awake which is the opposite of sleeping which is what I want to be.
The hardest part is that I am often awake for reasons that could be prevented. I can't seem to make members of my family understand that I need peace and quiet to sleep. Conversations, doors shut too loudly, lights left on that stream into my room, etc. are all interruptions of my sleep and typically once I'm awake - I cannot go back to sleep. I am also not a napper, so I wake up without having had enough sleep and do not recover over the course of a day. If this happens several days in a row I manifest signs of insanity.
Growing up with a mom who was mentally ill, and one of her biggest problems was insomnia, I saw the effects of severe sleep deprivation. She would stay awake and not sleep for days on end, and then crash and sleep for days. The hard part for me was that if she didn't sleep, she did not allow me to rest either. She would call me for me from her room all hours of the night to get her cigarettes, "refresh" her tea, or wipe out her ashtray. Even if she went out, she would call and ask me to do things. It was such a huge issue that said "I'm more important than you" everytime she decided that her need for whatever it was superseded my need for sleep. A lot of that comes back now when members of my family disrespect my need for rest - and I stick up for myself in a way I couldn't back then. Proper rest is so necessary to a clear mind - and I'm not getting it lately. I am in one big fog.

Flashback Friday - C. Thomas Howell

2008-12-19T13:15:00.004-06:00

I was telling my kids that when I was younger I had a crush on Ponyboy from "The Outsiders". I even went to the mall and bought one of those baseball shirts with a rainbow that fell into hearts spelling the word LOVE on the front and the fuzzy letters spelling C. Thomas Howell on the back. How crazy is that? I can't even explain how little those feelings were compared to what I know real love to be now, but you could not have told me that then. Last night I rented a movie for Kullen and Travis to watch tonight while I'm working and the girls are at a birthday party, and found out that C. Thomas Howell is the director and main character. (This does not bode well for him as the movie had horrible reviews.) But it made me remember Ponyboy:

Bye bye Ponyboy - nothing gold can stay.
Here's the trailer for his new movie - he's the guy at the end screaming "What are you waiting for???!!"

Feeling Like a Failure

2008-12-16T12:33:00.003-06:00

I have been sobbing on and off for the last hour. I am certain some of it is hormonal, but it doesn't make the things I am feeling any less legitimate. It may just effect the way I manage those feelings.
I feel like a failure.
My oldest child is going to have her last "childhood" Christmas with us, and I am going to scrape to be able to do anything for her.... I know I should be thankful that I can give her something - but I think about the day she was born and how I wanted to do well in life - for her sake. I wanted to give her so much more. Not materially - but a full life. I just wonder if she's had it.
The younger two are pining away for West Virginia - and the friends and good times they knew there. Cookie baking days, Christmas parties, making gingerbread houses, shopping trips, ornament making, hanging out with friends for long winter days while the moms Christmas shop together - - and I don't know when or if they'll ever have that again. I have tried to muster up the energy to plan some of those things here - but I am really struggling and can't seem to plan a thing.
The larger these feelings get the less functional I am and the worse I feel.
I feel like a spectator in the lives of others, from a distance with my friends in WV, and the one who just isn't in the inner circle of things here. And I feel so bad that even if someone invited me shopping, to a movie or over for cookies and egg nog - if I had the day off I wouldn't be good company.
I know there are worse things in the world - but this is swallowing me right now. All I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

I Take Issue with That!

2008-12-16T09:53:00.005-06:00

I read this quote from a 1908 publication called "What a Young Wife Ought to Know" reprinted in a current magazine this morning and it got me all worked up:

"A true woman would hardly care to exchange her delicate instinct, her deftness of finger her versatile mind - which enables her to do the many little and great things in our everyday home-life equally well - her quick perception, her motherly all-aroundness, her sweet womanly loveliness, for any other marketable thing, or any other characteristic or capability attained by culture or training. A true woman is a woman, and she does not desire to be anything else unless she can add it to her womanliness."

Where to start.
First of all - I lack all "delicate instinct". I am awkward, rambunctious, easily provoked to raucous laughter - but delicate I am not. I believe God made me - at the basic level - the person that I am, and after years of resisting this and trying to be someone that I am not, I am finally comfortable with the fact that I am not a wilting flower. I believe God made women in all shapes, sizes, colors, and yes, personality too. He created each of us individually - to be different, and to bring glory to Him through our uniqueness. Our creative God did not make us cookie cutter people - but rejoiced in his ability to put together so many different combinations.
I take offense at this idea that we are to use our "versatile mind" only for the home or it is some blemish on our womanliness. Do all of our pursuits not benefit our families? How is it that men may pursue their dreams, follow their ambitions and creativity where they lead and if women do the same outside of their homes, they have committed some terrible crime? We can have our identity as wives and mothers mean so much that we fail to be individuals.
I have been a stay-at-home mom for all of my children's lives until recently. I have always done something - babysitting, cleaning houses, computer work at home, etc. to bring in some extra income to help make ends meet. My times at home with my family have always been my favorite, but I've done it because that was the desire of my heart and not because there was some unwritten standard that I would be less of a woman if I did not. I have seen women crash and burn after divorce because they had all of who they were wrapped up in their families, including my own mother. My mother was not blameless - but she lost who she was when the man she married at 16 decided he didn't want to be married to her anymore, and she never recovered.
Last night, I was feeling rather overwhelmed. I saw women come through my line happily spending money on Christmas gifts and enjoying the season and I felt so envious. They got to go home that evening to their families. They didn't have to drive home at almost 1 am and hope they would be awake and alert enough not to hit a deer, or drive off the road because they were so tired. Then I thought of my co-workers - one who has to leave for work before her 4th grader gets off the bus and has to walk 2 blocks home to stay for the evening with a handicapped grandma while she works. One lady is so tired that her eyes never look like more than little slits. One lady works nights because she is taking care of a 21 year old daughter who is a paraplegic during the day. These women are true women, doing what is required, as I am to make it through the day, whether working out of their homes or not. Their deftness of finger, versatile mind and quick perception are often expended in their workplace and not their home. It is easy to sit back in a padded chair with a comfy life and make judgments on these women - but get in the trenches with them for a little while and you'll see - they are women just like you.

Customer Etiquette

2008-12-15T09:51:00.005-06:00

My husband, of all things has been most disappointed lately since he has decided he wants to know me better and become a more regular reader of my blog that I have not posted anything with much depth lately. This evidenced by the fact that I told you all on Friday to go Elf Yourself and have had nary a post all weekend.
La la la la life goes on. I love my blog - but it is not the be all end all of my existence. I am saving my writing energies for screenwriting. Maybe it's just something I'm dabbling in - or maybe I'll actually finish it - but I find I only have so much creative juice to go around.
However, this list has been writing itself in my head and I thought that since it is the holiday season we could all use a refresher of good etiquette when standing in the checkout line.

Don't use hand signals to gesture me when you are on your cell phone and expect me to know what they mean. I didn't get that kind of training. I don't mind if you're on your phone but if you need to communicate something to me, please do so clearly.
If you eat something as you are shopping and have yet to pay for it, and ditch the empty container, that is stealing.
If your child has sucked on an item in your cart, please do NOT hand it to me. Hold it in the air with the UPC suspended in mid air so I can use my hand scanner.
When your child spits at the shopping bags, debit/credit machine or any other part of my work area, it isn't funny.
If you ask me where something is, and I cannot immediately answer, please do not roll your eyes as if I am a moron. Can you truly expect me to have the entire inventory and location of every item in our store? (I will try to put you in touch with someone who does know - and that is really the best I can do.)

Be kind to people working in stores this holiday season. Remember if you find it stressful to be out in the throngs shopping how much more stressful it must be to be there working in that same environment.

Since It's Christmas - Go Elf Yourself!

2008-12-12T17:07:00.002-06:00

We loved Elf Yourself like crazy last year - and they have even more options this year - check out or jig!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Over the Ground Lies a Mantle of White

2008-12-11T12:53:00.004-06:00

A heaven of diamonds shine down through the night - two hearts are thrillin' in spite of the chill in the weather. That's how we felt this morning when we woke to a "Winter Wonderland" in southeast Texas. It was amazing - and such a lift of the spirit at Christmastime being far from home. Kendra and Kaitlyn called me to Kaitlyn's room for this view. It was snowing on the way home last night and when I went to bed, but I never expected this! If you want to see more pictures of the snow - check out the December 2008 album by clicking on my "web album" link in the left hand sidebar. Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'? In the lane snow is glistenin'. A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight, walking in a winter wonderland.

Showcasing My Special Talents

2008-12-11T08:16:00.006-06:00

A friend shared a link on their Facebook to a website called Small Town Papers where you can search for your name or the names of people you know. Interesting stuff. I found this clipping for the shorthand award that I received in 12th grade. I loved shorthand - and exceeded anyone's expectations. If you notice below my name, I got an award for 80 words per minute as a first year student - and only a few second year students were even getting 60 words per minute awards. It was just something that came naturally, and before the year was over, I received the 90 wpm award. It's always nice to be good at something. (Yes, I can still do it to this day!)

Prayers Please

2008-12-09T23:11:00.002-06:00

I am enduring one of the most intense personal conflicts ever - and I am not sure how to handle it. I want to blog about it so badly but this would hurt more than one other person, some of whom I care about deeply. I am ready to give up. It is all too difficult. I could use some prayers.

What Christmas Character Are You?

2008-12-09T14:25:00.003-06:00

I saw this on my friend, Donna's blog - seemed like fun. Which character are you? Be sure to come back and let me know -

Which Christmas Character Are You?

Rudolph

OK, so maybe you won't go down in history for having a glowing nose or being heckled by the reindeer gang (thank goodness), but like your Christmas counterpart, you're a good friend who'll stick with the people you love through thick and thin.

Click Here to Take This Quiz

Quizzes and Personality Tests

I Miss You

2008-12-08T16:13:00.002-06:00

Yep - I have been absent from my blog a bit in the last week or so. My computer crashed and we had to send it packing - literally to HP so they could replace the motherboard. This happened after Travis and I did much hair-pulling (our own hair, not each other's) trying to troubleshoot the issue with technical support.
Life has been a whirlwind. I have been working about 20-25 hours a week. I still like my job, but I get home late a lot of nights. Travis and I have been spending much more time together - which is excellent - but also means I have less time to blog.
Just wanted you to know, my dear bloggy buddies, that although I may not be posting much - it is because life is offering me many opportunities to live outside the blog for now. I do miss you and hope to catch up with each of you very soon.

Cashier Observations

2008-12-02T15:25:00.002-06:00

Being a cashier offers many opportunities to observe human behavior. I am given lots of material for future writing, but sadly will likely forget it all since I actually have to run the cash register and can't sit there with my spiral notebook and jot it all down.
I wonder at people. They are so funny, and strange and interesting. It is a fascinating job, really. It appears that I have been broken in - and it no longer makes my back go into wrenching spasms. The big toe I was sure would fall off my first week from agony of de feet (get it?) has stopped throbbing. The teenagers that I work with find great joy in making infinitely repulsive fart sounds by burping the floam that is left at their registers and help me to remember what it was like to be young and carefree.
Sometimes I feel sad, like the lady that stood in line the whole time I was ringing up her stuff and fretting that her husband was going to kill her because he told her to only spend $5, and meant it. There was also the child who was whining about something or other whose father continued to say "shut up" in a voice that was louder and more demeaning each time.
But, overall, people are precious. From newlyweds to the little old lady with Texas sized hair that likely has a squirrel living in it - I get to meet a myriad of new people every day.
Jesus died for each of them. That has to count for something.
Beautiful, precious people. We share the bond of humanity. If I can make their day better for just the moment that they cross my path, then it is a day well done.

The Short Straw on Black Friday

2008-11-30T10:41:00.004-06:00

My friend Joanne posted a link to this article on Facebook and I was shocked. Evidently there is just enough naievety to think that people are basically good and that we do care about our fellow human beings. Stupid girl.
I just hate living in a world like this. I am the person who lets that car out in traffic, lets the person with only a few things ahead of me in a shopping line, holds the door, gives up the seat. I have had other people model some of these polite, sacrificial behaviors and been the benefactor of much courteous treatment in my life, but I have also been pushed and shoved, although nothing quite like this.
I have never been out for the "Black Friday" madness short of going to the fabric store with my neighbor last year. It was pretty mundane - the doors were open when we got there. Although it was crowded and people were struggling to share the space with one another, there wasn't anything terrible to report. I do not understand this frenzy to save a few bucks. I do not understand how that can take precedent over the fact that other living and breathing human beings may be getting injured in the frey.
I worked at Walmart on Black Friday - but not until evening. It was pretty calm. All the die-hard shoppers who slept in their cars overnight, in some places for several nights were long gone by the time I got there. But when I read this article I remembered a conversation I overheard in the breakroom where several people were discussing who would unlock the doors on Black Friday. I wonder if Mr. Jdimytai Damour, the man who was trampled drew the short straw in his store. What a horrible mar on what is supposed to be the season of giving.

No Cancer for Me!

2008-11-26T01:00:00.003-06:00

I wasn't able to post about this until this minute - just getting home from my shift at Walmart that ended at midnight. I did take a minute to put my PJs on and make Travis' lunch first. We disconnected the internet services we had on our phones - so I wasn't able to post it via my mobile. Drumroll please.......
NO CANCER - or displaysia (precancerous cells)!
The most we are dealing with are some polyps and some peri-menopausal hormone issues! I can't even believe it. All my symptoms said otherwise. I have spent hours preparing myself to handle hearing the bad news. What facial expression would I have? Would I cry? How would I tell others?
This afternoon I took the kids roller skating with our friends that we usually do science with, and while we were there I got a phone call from my doctor's office to "reschedule" my 2 week follow-up appointment. I nearly fainted. I said they could reschedule, but there was no way I was waiting another possible week for my test results. A short time later the nurse was giving me this good news.
I still have the same symptoms, but there are some other treatments we will try. The best and most amazing news is that it isn't cancer.
I praise God, with this disclaimer - God's goodness is not based on my circumstances. I tend to view Him in light of them, but it is flawed. He would be just as good had this news been bad. But I am so very thankful........ thank you Lord.

Tomorrow's the Day

2008-11-25T08:39:00.004-06:00

Tomorrow is my 2 week, post D&C check-up. I will also get the test results of the biopsy - and although I am trying not to, I feel like I'm holding my breath a bit. I know that whatever the outcome, I am in the hands of a loving Father, who already knows how this will play out. My head knows this - but my diaphragm that compels me to breathe in and out evidently did not get the memo. I am taking Kaitlyn with me - my calm center - the middle child. I am not taking her in to talk to the doctor with me, but after the appointment she and I are going to go shopping for some lights for our Christmas tree, and maybe get some lunch.
I am just waiting.
I am not good at that.
My friend Dwayne preached another sermon yesterday that really spoke to my heart about persevering through these difficult times. We chatted this morning about how perseverance is an on-the-job training kind of thing. You get thrust into a difficult situation that you have to persevere through - you don't necessarily get to practice it. I am going to share the link to his blog so you can watch it if you'd like. I love his heart - I know the big lug and what a hard year he has had, the most difficult of which was surely losing his mom. This was a sermon forged in the fire of a very painful year. Be sure to listen to the end - there's a great video clip illustration of perseverance.

Blast From the Past - We are the World

2008-11-24T10:45:00.003-06:00

I pulled up this oldie on YouTube today and shared it with my kids - and thought my bloggy regulars might appreciate it. I didn't have MTV or cable in the 80s - so I only ever saw this a few times when it aired on TV. It was cool to watch it again.

Do you remember USA for Africa?

(United Support of Artists for Africa), was the name under which forty-five predominantly U.S. artists, led by Harry Belafonte, Stevie Wonder, Michael Jackson, and Lionel Richie, recorded the hit single "We Are the World" in 1985. The song was a US and UK Number One for the collective in April of that year.

The considerable profits from the enterprise went to the USA for Africa Foundation, which used them for the relief of famine and disease in Africa and specifically to 1984–1985 famine in Ethiopia

And you can also catch Do They Know It's Christmas if you're in the mood for some reminiscing.

Where the Heart Is

2008-11-20T18:57:00.004-06:00

Recently I watched this movie with my girls. It was cute and sappy and wonderful all rolled into one. Remember, the one about the girl whose boyfriend abandoned her at a Walmart, where she took up residence and gave birth to her baby before anyone suspected a thing?
I don't know how that actually segued into my life - but this week it did. Financial matters dictate that I have at least a small income, so I put in an application at Walmart last Saturday. I got a call on Monday asking me to come in for an interview on Tuesday. I started taking some computer based training yesterday and began working a cash register this morning.
I enjoyed several things about it - since I like people, it was nice to interact with such a wide scale of people in such a condensed amount of time. You realize that everybody runs through there from time to time from the guy hacking up a lung (yes, I am seriously washing my hands every chance I get), to the lady that is pregnant exits the line abruptly because she forgot ice cream (I understand the urgency), to the two year old who drops something and blows me a kiss when I pick it up for her, and the older gentleman and his wife who so happily engage in conversation and are so kind that I want to follow them home and ask them to adopt me!
I am very tired, but you can do anything for a time, right? And it is not without it's blessings. A paycheck being one of them. At least people aren't pulling the rug out from under me in Jesus' name anymore. I would much rather people blaspheme the name of Sam Walton.

Our New Favorite Thing on the Internet - Pandora

2008-11-19T07:36:00.004-06:00

I have been so excited about this, but haven't found a minute to blog about it. I looked on youtube for a video because I believe it will do a much better job explaining it than I will. Pandora.com is internet radio that you can customize. It will learn your preferences and continue to find songs to your liking as you tell it what you like and don't like. All the members of my family have gone crazy over it - and our main problem is arguing over whose stations to play. There is a completely free version - and in my opinion this is better than satellite radio because it learns your personal preferences, and free. Music lovers have got to check this out. My online friend Sheryl who introduced us to the joy that is Pandora, set up a little Christmas station - Christmas in Killarney with a lot of old Christmas classics that I am loving. I also love Composers on Broadway, Broadway Radio, etc. I have learned that I love Daughtry. I have only begun to scratch the surface. If you join, be sure to make me your friend so I can peruse your favorites - Julie Forsythe (Harpers Ferry, WV - which technically is my hometown).

The Pregnant Man

2008-11-18T22:03:00.007-06:00

Evidently the whole world knew about this "pregnant man" but me. I watched the Barbara Walters special this weekend about "What Makes a Man, What Makes a Woman" and it was intriguing. With the prospect of a potential hysterectomy, it is important to me to think that my uterus does not define me as a woman.
In a conversation I've been having with some unschoolers online, we have decided that it isn't the organs or externals that make one male or female so much as DNA. You either have male or female chromosomes - however, it appears that these can be overridden by hormones, so that leaves the question - are we really that different as men and women. I think that God made us unique in gender - but not as polar opposite as we may like to think.
I know a lot of people want to make this person, Thomas Beatie - be they male or female out to be a freak show. I don't think that - I am just fascinated. I want to know how what does make us male and female. If I no longer have a uterus, am I less of a woman? I know women who've had mastectomies and do not consider them any less female.
One thing that really stood out to me was that Thomas was happy - a joyful person, content to be so very different than what we consider normal. I know a lot of people trying to pretend to be something they are not who are so miserable, and all I can feel in my heart of hearts is - good for you, good for you Thomas.
That said, I am not without awkwardness or prejudice about the subject. I feel that Thomas has not made a choice - and is in essence refusing to choose one gender or the other, preferring to have the best of both worlds. But as my husband eloquently said, "What's it to you?" (The caveman can be pretty profound sometimes!)
The rest of my thoughts on the subject are still in process.

Happy Birthday Laura and Run Rob Run!!!

2008-11-18T08:25:00.005-06:00

When the kids and I evacuated for the hurricane to my dad's house in North Carolina, we got to spend a lot of time with my family. It was really pretty terrific. One of the best things that happened when we were there was that I got to really connect with my sister, Laurie. She prefers to go by Laura now, but she will always be Laurie to me. She is the single mom of two high spirited kids, full time manager at the department of motor vehicles, sometimes works a second job in order to make ends meet, cheerleading coach, etc. etc. If you wonder why we've had a hard time connecting before now - it's because she is so dang busy! I was almost 10 years old when Laurie was born. Our dad and my mom were divorced, so I didn't always live with them. I remember thinking she was a little doll when she was small. Our lives did not always allow us the time to develop our relationship as sisters, but for me this time when we visited for the almost month that we were gone, it really clicked. I realized we have more in common that not, and that she is somebody that would be one of my dearest friends and companions if we lived closer to one another. My kids are just crazy about her. She is a pretty amazing person - and today is her 29th birthday! Happy Birthday Laurie. I am still hoping we can do something spectacular together next year when we turn 30 and 40! I love you!

Not to be outdone by our sister's birthday, my brother Rob sent us stats on the 10K marathon that he ran this weekend. You can read them here under Rob Main, or #563 on the list. I am so proud of him. Mostly because I remember when he was younger having orthopedic doctors advising my parents that in order to have legs that worked properly - his legs flexed his feet outward sort of like a duck - he would have to have them intentionally broken. They never had that surgery done, thankfully, but he had to wear painful "corrective" shoes for years. For him to be a runner now and to run this marathon is quite an accomplishment. Awesome.

A Devastating Loss

2008-11-17T10:55:00.004-06:00

The day after surgery, I was moving carefully around my kitchen trying to get some things together to throw in the crock-pot for dinner. One of the kids was helping me. I was in a less than pleasant mood trying to get things done so I could go lay back down. I was barking orders left and right so rapidly that my helper was struggling to keep up, not that the helper copped an attitude or anything. (Who would blame her?) The crock was sat on the edge of the island precariously and all of a sudden a loud CRASH! It fell. The crock pot which provided so many lovely meals for our family is gone forever! I was surprised that it did not break the tile when it hit so hard. It was quite a mess of broken glass and ceramic pieces to clean up. I was in the market for a new one anyway - but at $30-40 that will have to wait. Finances are so tight. It is going to be hard to cook without it. Somehow, we'll survive.

My Mountain Mama - Part 1

2008-11-14T14:22:00.009-06:00

I was feeling a bit homesick today and inspired to write, so I decided to put down some thoughts about my beautiful home state of West Virginia. This time of the year is especially hard not to be there. It is very much a work in progress, so please be gentle in your critique.

I’ll never forget the first time I saw her. Her arms outstretched across the horizon. The sun rose from behind her as if she had held back the night with the strength of her own might. My mountain mama was waking. She turned from a mourning gray to a burst of color, the sun revealing what the lazy morning fog tried to hide as it drowsily beckoned its inhabitants back into warm beds under down comforters as fires burned in their hearths.

The large windows in the upstairs classroom provided an excellent view of her beauty. The change was symbolic of the change that was happening to me, bursting from the gray of mourning into the spectacular color of a full and vibrant life. A confidant woman was emerging from the scared and confused girl, the peaks and valleys carving their indelible mark on my soul.

One can feel God and hear Him most clearly on this mountain and in the river that runs at her feet. I imagine them joyful lovers, His finger carving out the curves and painting the colors, making her as He chooses for Himself. A spirit is full just to be there with them, together.

Some may say that these are not mountains, and it makes little difference to me. I know the familiar fluttering in my stomach as I traverse the ribbon roads cut through her trees, letting me know that I belong here. I could travel the world and come to the conclusion that all art pales in comparison to the Creator’s fall canvas on the lofts of this mountain and the way He manages to dazzle spectators anew with each coming year.

I have two other displaced West Virginian blogger friends who are trying to make their homes elsewhere, and this is for them A. and Tina.

Grocery Cart Challenge Recipe Swap - Kielbasa and Cabbage

2008-11-14T12:32:00.002-06:00

I have wanted to participate in the Grocery Cart Challenge's Recipe Swap since it started - but for one reason or another, I have not gotten to just yet. I can always use new recipes, especially ones that are frugal. So without any further adieu, here is my first entry.

Kielbasa and Cabbage

1-2 kielbasas or smoked sausages cut in 1" pieces
this depends on how many people you're feeding
1 medium onion, chopped
1/2 - 1 head of cabbage, cut in hunks
garlic (optional)
In a large skillet, saute onions and garlic in a couple of tablespoons of olive oil for a couple of minutes until onions are translucent. Add sausage pieces and cook until browned. Once the sausage is browned, add cabbage and stir through. Turn temperature down to simmer, and cover with a lid for 5-7 minutes until cabbage has reached desired consistency. (I like my cabbage to have some texture and not slimy.)

For more recipes, check out this week's recipe swap.

Dates with Daughters and Movie Reviews

2008-11-10T07:41:00.007-06:00

Two weeks ago, Kaitlyn and I went to see The Secret Life of Bees. I had read the book of the same name by Sue Monk Kidd last summer and just loved it. The movie did not disappoint. The characters were amazing - Queen Latifah being my favorite. It was very well done and much as you picture it in your mind as you read. I love it when movie makers do that right.
The movie is about a girl named Lily whose mother died when she was younger putting up with an abusive, neglectful, angry father during the time when our country was still in the throes of some serious growing pains over racial inequality. Lily runs off with Rosaleen, a black woman who takes care of her one day and they meet the Boatwright women. The intersection of these lives forever changes them all.
Last week, after hours of testing at the hospital, Kendra and I decided to go see a movie. I had seen The Secret Life of Bees, but she hadn't - so I was going to see it again. Once we got to the movie theater, we saw that Changeling was playing, and asked to change our tickets. It was a very sad movie about a single mother living in Los Angeles in 1928 whose son goes missing one day while she is at work. The LAPD has a poor reputation with the public and uses her tragedy as a way to gain some public favor by trying to replace her son with another boy. The most appalling part of all is that it was based on a true story.
The kids and I all saw Madagascar 2 this past Friday at the cheap theater. Enough said.
We are movie-lovers, but you win some and you lose some!
Sorry for the really horrific writing here - my mind is elsewhere this morning. Writing about whatever to keep it busy!

Uterine Cancer Awareness

2008-11-08T16:49:00.002-06:00

I put up a new banner on my right sidebar about Uterine Cancer Awareness. I was shocked to find that I have so many of these symptoms that I was dismissing as just something I had to live with as a woman. Please pay attention if you have these symptoms. Gentlemen, feel free to look away if you cannot handle the personal nature of what I might share here - or feel free to read if you think it may help you encourage someone that you love to get a check up.
Uterine cancer, also known as Endometrial Cancer (the endometrium being the lining of the uterus) can be indicated by one or all of these symptoms:
1. Abnormal bleeding - this means any bleeding that is not associated with your normal menstrual cycle
2. Vaginal discharge
3. Vaginal discharge with mucus and blood for post-menopausal women
4. Difficult or painful urination
5. Pain during intercourse
6. Pelvic pain
This cancer is a killer. I am holding my breath to find out if indeed the five out of six symptoms that I am exhibiting are indicators. Please pay attention and have any of these symptoms checked out. Mine have gone on for at least four years, and it is terrifying to think of the time that I let lapse thinking that I had a strange reproductive system that has never quite worked right and dismissed these symptoms as one after the other has become a fact of life for me.
Just wanted to share the awareness. Don't ignore the symptoms like I did because I didn't know better.

No Super Christian Here

2008-11-06T21:47:00.007-06:00

I would love to say that I am "super-Christian" and that I have totally handed my medical issues, procedures, etc. over to the Lord in some super-spiritual wording to help you understand how I have transcended my flesh and entered into a pseudo-euphoric state of worrylessness. What I am going to tell you is the truth - I have been scared to death. I caught myself a couple of days ago spastically sucking in air the way you do reflexively when you're a child and you cry so hard that you don't get enough air to prevent yourself from passing out.
I did realize that one of my biggest fears was being put under. I have never been put under myself, but I did accompany Kendra to one of her several surgeries when she was small. She was about 4 years old, and just after they put the bubble gum scented mask over her face, she said, "Mommy, I can't breathe!" and then she konked out. So all of this time, I thought that being put under like that made you feel like you were suffocating. Kendra reassured me today that she only said that because she did not know how else to describe what she was feeling. At any rate, I found out today that they are planning on using an IV to sedate me first and that I will be out before the mask hits my face. That was a tremendous relief.
I had the best treatment today - and I was so thankful. Every single person that I encountered when I went for pre-surgical testing - from the registrar to the lady that had to stick me 3 times to take my blood - were all so kind, and efficient and personable. This was a very different experience from the testing I had done at a different hospital where the ultrasound tech didn't speak to me at all. I'm a chatty person and quiet makes me nervous. I am not going to apologize for it anymore - it is how I am.
Having had such a good experience today made me feel a lot better about next Tuesday. I am so grateful.

Dreaming With Martin

2008-11-06T06:49:00.005-06:00

Political ideologies aside - socialist, communist, capitalist - our country made history two days ago. Yesterday morning it really started to dawn on me what had taken place when I saw a picture of Barack Obama superimposed onto that picture with the heads of all the past presidents - twelve of whom had been slave owners - how far we had come and what history had been made.
Throughout this whole process prejudices and ignorance abounded. I am so sick of this little "secret" between some white people that leans in a whispers some racist remark, with a wink of understanding. NO I do not know what you mean. NO I do not get what you're saying. Lord help me always as Mr. King so eloquently said it, judge others not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
Watching the View yesterday morning and listening to Whoopi Goldberg talk about this sense of finally being able to "put her suitcase down", I was awestruck, and pained. Sherri Shepherd was so choked up that she could hardly talk telling about tucking her son in bed that night knowing that he COULD do anything, and that the color of his skin would not be a hindrance. This election has opened up that door. I found myself for the first time wishing that I was black just so I could share more intimately in this victory. It gave me chills. When Barbara Walters played the clip of Mr. King's I Have a Dream.... speech and told how it brought her to tears, I was choking up too.
This is HUGE. I am proud of America for this, that almost 50 years later we have seen a small glimpse of Mr. King's dream coming true. I'm dreaming with you sir. I'm still dreaming with you.
Kudos to my very talented writer daughter Kendra who has expressed some of the exact same thoughts on her own blog.

For the record, I am pro-life, believe strongly in our right to bear arms, don't want to spread the wealth, etc. But what's done is done. We have a fine system of checks and balances that prevent one man from having absolute power. I can be happy that I live in a country where the ghosts and demons of the past prejudices may be finally losing their power to haunt us. Amen!

Ohhhhhhhhh-bama! Unschooling the Election

2008-11-04T23:30:00.003-06:00

I mentioned in my earlier post that we got together and "studied" the election process today with some friends. It was pretty fun, and the kids participated to their interest level. I saw a spark really ignite in Kaitlyn - our resident Obama supporter. She was pretty interested in the electoral college and how it worked. Not understanding it fully myself - Kaitlyn and I both spent some time Googling different things to come to a better understanding. Tonight she looked up the electoral votes of each state and went looking for a printed map in our cabinet of schoolish-stuff. The only thing we could find was this huge US floor puzzle. The permission was granted to write on it with a permanent marker, and it became a tracking device as we watched the election coverage. Kaitlyn and Kullen used some white stickers in the cabinet and colored them red and blue and once a state was "called" for a certain candidate/party, they would place the appropriate colored sticker. I love to see learning become real because it has applicability, relevance. This was one of the best things I've seen my kids do - self-initiated in a while, but they learned so much more than when I purpose to "show" them or "teach" them something. Kaitlyn understands the election process more than she did yesterday and is interested enough to continue studying it. You can't beat that with a stick. Oh yeah - and her man was elected as if that isn't the icing on the cake!
Congratulations President Elect Obama. We'll see where the next four years take us.

THIS is an Outrage!!!!

2008-11-04T19:10:00.006-06:00

We had a great day at my friend Shannon's house. A couple of us have been getting our kids together for some science experiments - but today we decided to put that on hold and study the election process. It was pretty interesting - and I know that Kaitlyn in particular was really taking it all in. BUT, this afternoon on our way home, Kendra got a text message from a friend that said,

Obama is in the lead for now, but that will change once white people get off of work.

I made her read it to me again - and then I asked her to let me read it for myself - as if I could not process the information. (I have to tell you I hate even having this written on my blog - but feel it is necessary for you to understand my outrage!) What was it implying - that black people don't work? It is just this same kind of thing that continues to drive a wedge between people, and I am sick to the full of Christians perpetuating this bullsh*t. The worst part of this was that this same friend sent a text message this morning reminding all her friends to pray that God's will would be done. Do these two messages imply that God's will would be for a white Republican man to win this election? Does God do our bidding? How arrogant to assume that God would not, could not and will not use whomever the American people put into office for His purposes, regardless of race or gender. If we wake up in the morning and Barak Obama is our president elect, are there those who will believe God has abandoned America?
I have just been so so so angry about this - fuming for the last few hours. It reminded me of this quote Kaitlyn pointed out:

I imagine that God is weary of being called down on both sides of an argument.
-Inman, Cold Mountain

I imagine so.
I stated here very clearly who got my vote here this morning - but let me be very clear that my vote had nothing to do with race or gender. My mantra will always be red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His site......

The VOTE: Just Do It!

2008-11-04T07:33:00.007-06:00

I think with all that has happened this election year, it is exciting to think that within the next 24 hours we will finally have a new president elect. Either outcome will make history with either an African American holding the office of President or a woman in the role of Vice President. I am not sure what that outcome will be, and everything that I listen to or read looks as if it could go either way.
I have only recently decided where to place my own vote, and can say honestly that this is the first time I have ever considered voting against my conservative leanings. In the end I decided that socialism was too much of a risk to take, and am voting accordingly. Here is a quote from something that I wrote in an online political discussion that sums up my thoughts:

I have tried asking myself what Jesus would do – and I am reminded how he did not want a political standing – he wanted the hearts of people. I will vote my conscience – but I will also respect either outcome and remember that my Papa is still far more than capable of taking care of us whatever may come. I will know that He is in control. To me the absolute worst thing would be for people that are loved by Him to lose sight of the humanity of one another and start – as I have heard rumored- rioting and looting, escalated racial tensions, etc. – because these things will break HIS heart.

John McCain has my vote but Jesus Christ has my heart!

PS - You can vote however you like. I refer you to the previous post!

You Can Vote However You Like

2008-11-01T12:02:00.005-05:00

I saw this video on my friend Wendy's blog and I thought it was superb! The truth of the matter is that when this election is over - we will be a country divided. We have to all remember that we still have to be neighbors and friends. The message here is, you can vote however you like... and we can still be friends. I loved it!

Here are the lyrics that were written by the students performing the song - I love their attitude:
Obama on the left
McCain on the right
We can talk politics all night
And you can vote however you like
You can vote however you like, yeah

Democratic left
Republican right
November 4th we decide
And you can vote however you like
You can vote however you like, yeah

(McCain supporters)
McCain is the man
Fought for us in Vietnam
You know if anyone can
Help our country he can
Taxes droppin low
Dont you know oils gonna flow
Drill it low
I’ll show our economy will grow
McCain’s the best candidate
With Palin as his running mate
They’ll fight for gun rights, pro life,
The conservative right
Our future is bright
Better economy in site
And all the world will feel our military might

(Obama supporters)
But McCain and Bush are real close right
They vote alike and keep it tight
Obama’s new, he’s younger too
The Middle Class he will help you
He’ll bring a change, he’s got the brains
McCain and Bush are just the same
You are to blame, Iraq’s a shame
Four more years would be insane

Lower your Taxes - you know Obama Won’t
PROTECT THE LOWER CLASS - You know McCain won’t!
Have enough experience - you know that they don’t
STOP GLOBAL WARMING - you know that you won’t

I want Obama
FORGET OBAMA
Stick with McCain and you’re going to have some drama
We need it
HE’LL BRING IT
He’ll be it
YOU’LL SEE IT
We’ll do it
GET TO IT
Let’s move it
DO IT!

Obama on the left
McCain on the right
We can talk politics all night
And you can vote however you like
You can vote however you like, yeah

Democratic left
Republican right
November 4th we decide
And you can vote however you like, I said
You can vote however you like, yeah

I’m talking big pipe lines, and low gas prices
Below $2.00 that would be nice

But to do it right we gotta start today
Finding renewable ways that are here to stay

I want Obama
FORGET OBAMA,
Stick wit McCain you gone have some drama
MORE WAR IN IRAQ
Iran he will attack
CAN’T BRING OUR TROOPS BACK
We gotta vote Barack!

Obama on the left
McCain on the right
We can talk politics all night
And you can vote however you like, I said
You can vote however you like, yeah

Democratic left
Republican right
November 4th we decide
And you can vote however you like, I said
You can vote however you like, yeah

You Win Some, You Lose Some

2008-11-01T09:40:00.007-05:00

Everybody has a bad day from time to time, but yesterday for me was one of the worst I have had in a long time. It started out first thing in the morning with a problem between Travis and I and never recovered. I did manage to assemble the last pieces for Kullen's Halloween costume and grab just enough things through the fog that was my mind from the grocery store so that my family wouldn't starve to death. I didn't even remember to buy any Halloween candy to hand out, which is just as well since we weren't home for trick-or-treaters anyway. Everywhere I looked people were dressed up - and I was SO not in the mood to appreciate or enjoy them or Halloween. I know a lot of it is probably my hormones - but I felt like I was on a fast train to the town Crazy yesterday!
The best part of the day was the 20 minutes in which I made myself take a nap - but sadly I woke up in the same strange state of mind.
Travis and I went together to take the kids to a Halloween party and for trick-or-treating with friends and then we went out to dinner. I ordered one of my new favorites, a "Monte Cristo" sandwich and Travis ordered his standard chicken friend steak with American cheese under the gravy. I took the first bite of my sandwich and got a mouth of hot liquefied GREASE. It was so disgusting. I took another bite on a different part of the sandwich thinking it may have been just the end. Nope. The whole thing was like a big grease saturated sponge. Nasty. It ruined.my.appetite. This is nearly impossible to do. They offered to make me another one but I knew I couldn't possibly eat it. I am not one of those who casually sends my food back - but this was completely unpalatable. Travis food was pretty greasy too. I've never seen him not clean his plate, but we brought a HUGE portion of his food back for the dog.
The kids had a great time at their party and trick-or-treating, although Kullen cut out early and went back to his friend's house and when he got home I discovered he had a fever. Poor guy.
It was a day I was glad to see come to an end. I am going to spend today trying to look for the little things in my life that make me happy - a bowl of fruit loops, the cat sleeping in the sun, and the pictures of my kids in their Halloween costumes. (Kendra = Hermione Granger, Kaitlyn = Chuck from Pushing Daisies and Kullen was originally Peter Parker but turned something else because he liked the hat so much!) I'm going to try to remember what it was like being a child and the sugar hangover the day after Halloween, the joys of sorting candy and negotiating some difficult trades with my brother. I am going to try to take a walk around the neighborhood and breathe in deeply. I'm going to drink more coffee than I should just because I want to, and spend some time with my family. I am going to remember that my Papa loves me. Focusing on these things may have the power to conquer the worst day.